Day 20: What to Do with Emotions?

Emotions have always been a big part of my life, but I have not always known how to handle them well . . . and to this day, I, at times, struggle to control them.

In April of 2002 I began a journey to understand and manage my emotions. I wanted to find the balance between acting on truth rather than emotion while at the same time acknowledging that emotions are real, valid, and valuable.

From a letter on April 16, 2002:

I realized the other day that emotions are a huge distraction for me. I think emotions cause me to become unfocused more than any other one thing. I respond out of what I FEEL. 

I'm realizing that I've tried two extremes - denying my emotions or giving them too much control. I'm beginning to try to learn to do neither. I'm trying to learn to acknowledge their validity, identify them, and then express them positively.

I have emotions and at times they are overwhelming and seem bigger than I can handle. Sometimes, especially when they are overwhelming, I just don't know what to do with them.

I'm discovering that the first step is to identify them - to just say, "I feel angry," "I feel sad," "I feel ________" and be specific instead of saying I'm upset or overwhelmed or blue, rather to give the emotion a specific, descriptive name.

As I continued to process how to manage my emotions, I began a practice that was helpful to me. Not only did I need to identify what the emotion was, but I needed to discover why I felt that way. We have emotions so that we know what is going on in our inner being. Sensations of pain or pleasure tell us what is happening to our body. Emotions reveal whether our inner being is in a good or bad place. The practice I began was to write out a simple statement: "I FEEL _______________ BECAUSE _____________."

"I FEEL sad BECAUSE one of my students is leaving the school."

"I FEEL disappointed BECAUSE the plans I made fell through."

"I FEEL angry BECAUSE someone disrespected me."

"I FEEL hurt BECAUSE someone was rude to me."

As I began to identify not only how I felt, but also why I felt that way, I could move on to the next question. "What are my emotions telling me? What do I need to do to handle this?"

If I was hurt, sometimes a good cry or a venting session helped, at other times a conversation with the person who hurt me was necessary. If I felt sad, sometimes watching a sad movie and having a good cry or distracting myself with something funny helped. If I felt disappointed, finding something to do that I enjoyed might help.

As I practiced this exercise over and over, I became more aware of what I was feeling and why. Eventually I stopped writing it out and was able to identify it in my head and also much more quickly create a strategy to deal with difficult emotions. Over time, I gained the ability to manage my emotions and to use them to practice healthy self-care.

The most recent stage of understanding emotions has been that they can help me discern what God is directing me to do. The things I am excited about, the things I dread. The things I have peace about, the things that cause me to be unsettled. The things that bring joy or the things that bring discouragement. As I pay attention to what my inner being is telling me through my emotions, I begin to hear the heart of God as He speaks to me too.

What tips can you offer for managing one's emotions?

Picture Source: all faces from Microsoft Clip Art

Day 19: I Am Loved

On March 27, 2002 I wrote in an e-mail to a friend:

I have been thinking a lot about friendship and love, trying to understand how I define them - not the "correct" biblical or philosophical definitions, but my definitions. How have I defined, perceived, and acted out friendship and love? It's been difficult to answer.

I believe my "love languages" are time and words of encouragement. That is old news. What was new for me was the realization that for all the years of my life, I believed that if I didn't FEEL loved, then I wasn't loved. What made me FEEL loved were actions from my love languages and many people didn't love me that way. I began to ask myself what if I were to believe, really believe and not doubt that people love me, especially when they say they do? What if I base being loved not on whether I FEEL loved, what if I base it on faith and trust? I began to seriously ask myself how my life would be different if I could do this.

So much of my life has been spent trying to earn other people's love, trying to FEEL loved, wanting other people to FEEL loved. What if I start with the belief that the people around me love me if they say they do, or even if they don't say they do outright, but communicate it using some other love language? What if I focus on believing I AM LOVED? What changes?

A few weeks later I wrote in my journal:
For the past 6 weeks or so God has done this incredible work of healing in me.

Now I'm starting with the premise that I am loved. When something happens, I can look at it as an event and then resolve it and move on . . . let it go. For so long, the deep burning question of my soul has been does anyone really love me, can anyone? Events that happened either affirmed love or negated love and everything was tied together to prove or disprove I was loved. Everything was tangled together in an attempt to answer this soul-deep question.

Now, I am saying, "I am loved." It's no longer based on a feeling. It's no longer based on what people do that communicates love in my language. It's based on Truth and on trust.

I'm no longer saying this person made me feel loved, therefore I am loved. I'm no longer looking at specific people and asking in my heart, "Do you love me?" I'm no longer expecting a handful of people to cause me to feel loved.

I am saying . . . no more than that . . . I am BELIEVING that I am loved. I believe God loves me and I believe the people around me - my family and close friends, even others - love me.

I'm no longer asking for proof. I'm no longer expecting human beings to meet my needs. I am accepting, believing, and acting on the fact that I am loved. I am trusting God to meet my every need - emotional, spiritual, social, and physical - through Himself and through whomever He chooses.

It is so freeing!!!!!

Did you always know you were loved or did you have an aha moment too?

Day 18: Five Minute Friday Meets Pivot Points - Laundry

Each Friday at 12:01 a.m. Lisa Jo Baker posts a topic and people write about it for 5 minutes and then link up with others who are also participating in Five Minute Friday. Nester has put out a challenge to write 31 posts on the same topic during the month of October. I enjoy doing both, so although it feels like it's going to be a stretch, lets see how I can combine pivot points and laundry . . .

Ready . . . set . . . write . . .

One of my pivot points was connectedness - developing deep relationships with others. Laundry has been a integral part of my deepest relationships.

As a young person I folded diapers, baby clothes, towels, and other clothes for my sisters when their
children were young. The connectedness of sisterhood.

In college a good friend of mine and I would head off to the laundromat with our dirty clothes and a box of donuts. Now many years later we remain friends. Later when I had access to a washer and dryer and friends of mine did not, they did their laundry at my house. Later still when I didn't have easy access to a washer and dryer another friend blessed me by letting me do my laundry at her house. The connectedness of friendship.

While my father was living his last days and being cared for by my sisters and I and by hospice, my job was to do the laundry. It was one way that I could love him by keeping his sheets and blankets clean and comfortable. The connectedness of the father daughter relationship.

Most recently when my mom's plumbing overflowed and my sister, brother-in-law and I were running around taking care of things, one of my nieces folded my laundry for me. The connectedness of family.

Joining together in the mundane task of doing laundry has been part of some of my closest relationships.

Stop! (whew . . . can't quite believe I did that!)

Day 17: Lies v. Truth

One of my favorite grades to teach was 10th grade. The students had moved beyond the confusion and adjustments of their freshman year, were not in the difficult junior year facing regents and college applications, nor had the dreaded senioritis set it. My tenth grade students tended to be fun, responsive, willing to learn, and beginning to be able to think for themselves.

One of the things we studied during 10th grade Bible class was Romans 12:2 and particularly the idea of "renewing the mind." As I taught my students, I became increasingly aware that one aspect of renewing the mind has to do with replacing lies with the truth.

As we grow and mature, as we experience life we learn some things that are true and we learn some things that are lies. Some things we learn may be from what others teach us either by their words or their example. Some things we learn are based on how we have processed what we have experienced and what we have learned from others. We can learn both lies and truth from any of these sources.

One lie I learned was always defend the underdog, but don't defend yourself. Well, it's a partial truth. It IS good to defend those who cannot defend themselves, those who are weaker for one reason or another. However, there are times it is appropriate to defend ourselves, to take care of ourselves. The lie needed to be replaced with truth.

Why? What difference does it make? Dr. Eric Scalise has identified a pattern that results from false beliefs:

False beliefs lead to

Distorted thinking, which leads to

Damaging emotions, which leads to

Self-defeating behaviors, which leads to

Broken or dysfunctional relationships. 

Our beliefs help to define who we are, how we think, feel, act, and relate to others. When we believe a lie, it has a ripple effect in our lives. 

Rooting out the lies can be something like pulling weeds. It is an ongoing labor that produces greater fruit.

Jesus said, "The truth will set you free."

What lies have you been believing?

What is the truth that will set you free? 

Day 16: Grieving the Loss

As I wrote earlier in "Why? The Question", by the time I was in my mid-twenties I had seen enough traumatic death and loss to understand that death, loss, pain, and suffering were an unpleasant, but real part of life. What I had not learned was how to face the grief in a healthy way.

Then, I read a life-changing book, a true story of two young people deeply in love. Sheldon VanAuken tells the love story of himself and his wife Davey in the book A Severe Mercy. (Spoiler Alert) When Davey dies, Sheldon is bereft. He describes what he does to cope with the loss of his beloved Davey.

As I read their story, for the first time in my life I encountered a man deep in the pain of loss who processed his grief with intentionality and purpose. Growing up I had seen the pain of losses, but no one talked about it, no one processed what had happened. Or, on the other side of the spectrum, I saw people debilitated for years by their grief.

A Severe Mercy started me on a journey to learn how to handle grief, when it came my way, in a way that would honor the person I had lost as well as heal the terrible hole in my life where that person had been.

Everyone grieves differently, so the way Sheldon grieved for Davey would look different from how I would grieve or how someone else would grieve. Sheldon's method was not important. The fact that he was intentional, that he honored his wife, and acknowledged and processed his own pain were the important lessons.

What has helped you to process your grief?

Day 15: Working together for Good

One of my favorite chapters in the Bible contains several of my favorite verses. One of those verses is Romans 8:28:

And we know that in all things 

God works for the good 

of those who love him, 

who have been called 

according to his purpose.

• "And we know . . . " we can have confidence and an unwavering faith.

• "that in all things God works for the good . . . " ALL THINGS, the things we don't like, the things we question, the things we absolutely cannot make sense from . . . God does not call all things good, but He promises to bring good from even the worst of circumstances.

• "of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." God's children can rest in the truth that God will bring good out of even the worst of circumstances. 

Day 14: Invincible Faith

As I became more and more involved in ministry, there were times I felt tossed about like a leaf in the wind. People's expectations, tragic losses at our church, and difficult relationships swirled around me and I longed for an anchor. I verbalized my dream this way,

"I want to live a life of invincible faith where I am so focused on God and obeying Him, 

I am unshaken and unruffled by the people and circumstances around me."

However, I AM sometimes shaken and ruffled by the things that happen around me. Last year about 90% of my support system (in the city where I live, thankfully not in my whole life!!) collapsed due to one circumstance or another and I was shaken and ruffled - yet the anchor held. My focus was blurred at times, but God was neither shaken, ruffled, nor was His vision blurry.

A few lines from a Ray Boltz song come to mind:

The anchor holds

Though the ship is battered

The anchor holds

Though the sails are torn

I have fallen on my knees

As I faced the raging sea

The anchor holds

In spite of the storm

Source: http://www.elyrics.net/read/r/ray-boltz-lyrics/the-anchor-holds-lyrics.html

So thankful that Christ remains stable, an anchor even when I am shaken.

Day 13: Level of Commitment

"Level of Commitment" . . . I coined this term in the middle of a difficult relationship. This relationship seemed to run hot and cold with unpredictable frequency. At times all was well, great even, with a deeply satisfying connection and truly enjoyable. At other times the relationship bordered on abusive and was very difficult. Yet, unless I made radical changes to my life, I could not avoid relationship with this person. How was I to cope with this constantly fluctuating drama?

At the same time, I was involved in more activities, had more commitments that I could juggle and do well. I was looking for a solution. I came across this idea of "Level of Commitment" and it gave me hope for balance.

The idea behind "Level of Commitment" is to choose a level of commitment that is healthy, safe, and reasonable, either to another person or to involvement in an activity and then stick to it.

With the relationship, I could be a friend, but I could not be a savior, a "dog to kick", or run interference for them. I could be a friend. I could be a friend who loved and expressed compassion, yet who had distinct boundaries in the context of this relationship. I could move away to a safe point, still accessible, but not in the midst of the daily emotional whirl that accompanied this relationship.

In the area of too many commitments, I could choose what I had to offer to each one. In some cases it meant withdrawing from the commitment so I had energy to give to something else I valued more. In other cases it involved modifying my level of involvement such as instead of going to every home game, going to a few each season.

What suggestions would you offer to someone feeling frustrated in a relationship 

or who is overcommitted?

Day 12: Path of Transformation

"And we who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory

are being transformed into His likeness 

with ever-increasing glory,

which comes from the Lord,

who is the Spirit."

2 Corinthians 3:18

When I began to become more aware of the transformation that should be a normal part of a believer's life, I began to ponder what transformation looks like, how it works. I realized first that it is a journey that takes time. As I studied Scripture, read books, and talked with others, a few things began to become clearer about a path to transformation.

1. God is the one doing the work of transformation in us. He knows more fully than anyone our potential and He knows what is blocking our way. He also knows better than anyone what we need so that we can change and grow. Our part of the process is to cooperate with Him, to follow His lead and accept the work of His Spirit in us.

2. Every person's path is different. No two people will take exactly the same journey or travel exactly the same path. Each person will be influenced by different shaping experiences, knowledge, mentors, and spiritual disciplines. God leads each of us along a path that is distinct to us. Even people who are closely connected to each other will have differences in their journeys.

3. People need time, space, AND loving support as they travel their individual journey. At times I've wanted to speed up my own journey, to change more quickly, to grow more quickly. At times there have been others that I wanted to change faster. But we all need time and space to sort through our stuff and to hear God speaking to us in whatever way He chooses and then to make the changes in our lives. 

Yes, transformation takes time . . . it rarely happens overnight . . . but over time . . . 

a cross country trip rather than a day trip.  

What would you add to this list? What have your noticed about the process of transformation?

Day 11: Five Minute Friday and Pivot Points . . . Ordinary

I am participating in Nester's 31 Days Challenge and writing about Transformational Pivot Points in my life. I also like to participate in Lisa Jo Baker's Five Minute Friday. In Five Minute Friday, Lisa Jo gives us a prompt and then we write about it for 5 minutes, and then link up on her page. The biggest rule is to go to the post of the person before you and comment encouragingly on their post.

Well tonight the 31 Day Challenge Transformational Pivot Points will meet Five Minute Friday's prompt and we'll see what comes out. Ready . . . the prompt is ordinary. . .

Ordinary . . . Transformation . . . is there anything ordinary about transformation? In so many ways transformation seems like anything but ordinary. When I think of transformation, I think of metamorphosis, of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly and that seems most extraordinary to me . . . far from ordinary. The miracle that takes place when a plain little caterpillar wraps itself up and then later emerges totally changed into a delicate colorful creature with wings is amazing, extraordinary. When a person is changed from cranky to pleasant, from stingy to generous, from immature to mature, from selfish to unselfish those changes too are miraculous . . . extra-ordinary.

Yet, I think too that transformation should be ordinary in the sense that it is important for it to be an ongoing part of our lives. Changing, growing, learning, becoming something more this year than we were last year. Transformation should be an ordinary part of our lives, happening regularly.

Stop!

Day 10: Blessing by Being

One of our favorite youth group retreats became Excel, however in 2001 we were newbies to this event. Five teens and two adults rode north in a church van, packed full of luggage and people. During the weekend I learned an important concept.

On our first trip to Belize in the summer of 2000, I had done something very stupid. I tried to lift a cement block. The result was a herniated disc and severe sciatic pain that lasted far too long. On our trip to Excel, I was several weeks into dealing with debilitating pain and the frustration of not being able to move freely or do things I enjoyed. Well, actually, I was tired of not being able to do things I DID'T enjoy, but that needed to be done.

Changing the sheets on my bed was impossible. Washing dishes caused great pain and left me wiped out. Getting dressed was difficult and putting on socks required a very specific set of maneuvers. Driving hurt. Standing for any length of time was agonizing. Sleep came in 2 hour on 2 hour off shifts.

I was blessed to have a dear friend who came in every week and cleaned my apartment (it has never been cleaned so thoroughly since!!) and did my laundry. She washed my dishes, changed my sheets, mopped and swept. I was so blessed, yet it was SO HARD to accept her help.

I had been a doer. That was how I blessed people, by doing things for them. Suddenly, I was in a position where I could barely do for myself, let alone help others. How would I bless them when I was so dependent?

On the Excel trip, I shared these feelings with our youth pastor. He encouraged me that I could bless people just by being. He said that blessing people wasn't about what I did for them, but who I was with them. He cheered me by telling me that people were blessed by my presence. (Although I wasn't sure I believed him.)

In the midst of this time when I couldn't DO for others, I began to focus on blessing people by the person I was - by enjoying them, by loving them, by laughing with them, by being present with them, by giving them myself. Slowly, over time, my focus changed from what I could do for others, to blessing them with my words, my love, my way of being with them.

As with each Pivot Point, I am still on the journey, sharing what I have learned so far and knowing that I still have more to learn.

What advice would you give to someone who is trying to bless others by being rather than doing?

Day 9: Listening to God

Listening to God . . . another pivot point that began in the summer of 2000. Our youth pastor was challenged by a special speaker at our church and led the youth and mentors to begin a journey that we dubbed "Listening to God."

The premise was that God desires to speak to us to guide our actions and decisions both big and small, therefore we need to listen so that we are aware of His guidance.

Along the way we wrestled with questions such as:

• How did God communicate to us?
• How do we know if what we're hearing is God or something else?

These two questions are closely related and the answers are interwoven. Here are some of the lessons we learned as we hiked along this journey.

1.  The Bible is our starting point for knowing what God is saying to us. It is His written communication to us where He clearly tells us what to do and what not to do. As we obey what we read in the Bible, we begin to understand what God is like and have a sense of what He wants us to do.

The Bible also acts as a filter. As we think we've heard something from God, we can compare it to what the Bible says to discern whether this thing is of God or from ourselves.

2. As we develop an intimate relationship with God, we become familiar with what His voice sounds like. When I was in college, I was waiting for my parents to arrive to take me home. They were to arrive Sunday morning to attend church with me. I waited as long as I could outside of the campus church, but according to the rules it was time to be in my seat. Still they had not arrived and I was anxious. The auditorium was large with seating for 7,000 people. I searched for my parents, but in a room that size, I could not find them. I had difficulty focusing because my mind was on them, until I heard one small sound. I heard my mom's cough. A cough? really? In a room of several thousand people? Yes. I heard her cough. I knew her. I knew her cough and when I heard it, I knew they had arrived safely and I could focus on the service. Listening to God is like that. The more intimately we know God, the quicker we will be able to distinguish His voice and know what He is saying to us.

3. We will experience confirmation from others who are also seeking to follow God. When we believe that we sense God is telling us to do something, it is good to look for confirmation from others who we respect, who are also seeking God. It is easy to be influenced by our emotions, by our natural tendencies or appetites, and our friends and fellow sojourners can help us see pitfalls that we might not see. They can also confirm a thing is of God as they sense a distinct, yet separate and uninfluenced yearning toward the same thing we are feeling.

4. Prayer is important to the process of listening to God. Prayer is the place we typically think of us talking TO God, however prayer can also be a space where we LISTEN to God - a place where we pause and allow God to speak to our spirit and give us direction.

5. What about the circumstances? Do the circumstances seem impossible and suddenly there is a shift and you are able to do what you've felt God telling you to? that's a confirmation. Do circumstances line up perfectly to allow you to follow what God's telling you? that's a confirmation. Several years ago, I had left my job and was leaving my ministry as a youth leader and I didn't know what was next for me. Over a period of a few months, I had felt compelled to pray for a church with a school that I had only been in once. I called a friend who attended this church to ask him to pray about a difficult situation. He invited me to visit. A couple days before I was to visit, he called and asked if I would be interested in a job teaching at the school . . . well, yes. That was part of my dream when I had quit my job. I filled out an application during my visit and talked with the administrator of the school. Things moved quickly. In less than a month, I had been interviewed and hired and found an apartment. The circumstances lined up perfectly with the thing that I had been sensing God wanted me to do.

Our journey of learning to listen to God was filled with experiments . . . and learning. Often we were not sure if what we heard was God, but obeyed when we were reasonably sure that it was. Sometimes our actions led to confirmation that we had indeed heard God, at other times we miserably decided that the voice we'd heard had been our own. Over time, we grew to recognize God's voice more and more and to develop a deep and intimate relationship with God.

How do you discern what God wants you to do?

********

If you would like to pursue Listening to God more, here are two books that have had a powerful impact on me:
The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence
Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and Claude King

Day 8: Flowing from a Pure Heart

 One of the women on the Belize Team was an English teacher. She brought with her Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God by Rainer Maria Rilke. As she read his poems, she would share them with us, sometimes only a few lines, sometimes a whole poem. A few lines from one of these poems planted the seed for another change in my thinking that grew in the months following our trip to Belize.

I want to free what waits within me

so that what no one has dared to wish for

may for once spring clear

without my contriving. . . .

May what I do flow from me like a river,

no forcing and no holding back,

the way it is with children.

(from "Ich glaube an Alles noch nie Gesagte" by Rainer Maria Rilke)

In one season of my life, I had tried to appear as if I had everything together. I pushed my emotions down deep and pretended issues that were a problem weren't really a problem. However this approach to life left me feeling driven, lonely, and isolated, unable to be real with anyone.

The next season of my life, I focused on being authentic and genuine. However, in the context where I was learning this approach, being authentic translated into letting all one's yuck and poor behavior spill out all over others. As a teacher and youth mentor this was a formula for disaster, yet I still resonated with the idea that authenticity was important . . . but it shouldn't look like THIS.

The words of Rilke's poem combined with a quote by Amy Carmicheal ("A cup of sweet water, no matter how violently jarred, will never spill bitter water.") lead me into a new season of development - Flowing from a Pure Heart. Authenticity is important and so is not spilling one's own yuck all over others. To be authentic and appropriate required a transformation of the heart.

 I read a story once (although I don't remember where) of a small village in the Alps known for its crystal clear, delicious water. High up on the mountain was the spring, tended by an elderly man, that fed the village's water supply. The aged man kept it clean of debris and guarded it faithfully from anything that would contaminate the water. Eventually he died and there was no one to tend the spring, to guard against debris and over time the water became contaminated and unfit to drink.

This story captures the idea of flowing from a pure heart. A pure heart is one that is guarded against those things that would contaminate it. Beautiful, life-giving authenticity can flow from a heart that is filled with integrity and kept through self-control and the on-going work of God to transform and shape it. Transforming, growing, and guarding the heart are an ongoing process that requires cooperation between us and the Spirit of God in us.

For me, I have good days and bad. There are days where I can look back and say I lived the majority of this day with a heart that was well-guarded and exercising integrity and self-control. There are other days where I fail miserably and I have to clean out the spring again so that the water can run cool and clear. It is a process, a journey of becoming . . .

Do you resonate with Rilke's words? What about them strikes you?

Day 7: Simplicity and Substance

A group of about 20 of us ranging from young teen to mid-life adult stepped onto the tarmac in Belize City into the tropical heat of a blazing sun. We had come to work in a small village to build a hurricane shelter and to hold a Vacation Bible School (VBS). We hoped to make a difference. We accomplished our goals for that year, and we left with unexpected blessings from what we had seen and experienced.

 One of the most striking contrasts was between what Americans have and what most Belizeans do not have AND their attitude toward life.

None of us on the team would be considered wealthy by American standards. We were struggling to make ends meet and lived modestly. The trip to Belize was a financial stretch, even a sacrifice for most of us. However, comparatively we had so much.

The Belizean homes we visited ranged from dirt floors with walls made of sticks and mud to wooden structures to the nicest homes made of concrete. Yet we noticed that even in the nicest of homes, there was an absence of many of the "toys" we took for granted at home.

Despite the obvious poverty that abounded and an economic system that kept most people trapped in their poverty, we saw people who loved one another deeply and fiercely, who laughed, cried, gave generously, and played (especially soccer) together. We saw people who helped one another through the hardest of times. We saw people who were having a rich life experience despite their external poverty.

We were getting ready to leave, saying our good-byes and we were astonished. A young man that we had come to know well in our short time there had a sports trophy that he had won in high school. His family lived very modestly and this trophy was a treasured possession. He gave it to one of our fearless leaders, a man he had come to admire. This treasured, sacrificial gift meant so much to our leader and to us as a team as an expression of love and friendship. Others in turn gave each of us a gift, many sacrificially, many a special meaningful item and we were deeply touched by their generosity and the love that prompted it.

As I compared the American approach to life and the Belizean approach to life, what I saw reminded me of a dollar store gift lavishly wrapped beside a valuable, meaningful gift simply wrapped in plain paper. In American we had so much on the outside, so many things, so much that looked pretty and yet we were missing this rich life experience. We had exchanged substance for fancy frills.

I was drawn to the way the Belizeans we met lived simply, but with great substance. I was drawn to the way they gave themselves so fully to life. They drew from life so much - love, faith, family, friends, hard work, laughter, and generosity. They focused on the intangible things that give life meaning and substance. I was challenged to refocus on what had meaning rather than on the superficial.

Have you faced this challenge to add more substance and meaning to your life? 
What have you done to make that happen?

Day 6: Surrender

The summer of 2000 began a journey of explosive inner transformation in my life. This period was marked by changes in my thoughts. Lies I had believed were replaced with truth and specific themes that altered my perspective and how I lived emerged.

After the school year ended and I began summer break, I was sick in bed for about a week. During that week of bed rest I read and journaled. I became aware that ever since the "rug had been pulled out" and I had experienced a series of unfortunate events over a decade earlier, I had been living with a self-protective stance. My decisions and my interactions with people were guided by a core promise to myself never to let people "treat me so badly" again. This soul level promise was in conflict with the promise I had made to God years earlier to serve Him with my life. As I tried to keep both promises, I experienced inner conflict.

As I lay on my bed, I wrote a prayer of surrender to God. I acknowledged that I was unable to protect myself and that running my life in an effort to do so was not working. I surrendered myself to God's ability to care for me (He is so much more capable than I!) and I asked Him to teach me how to live as He desired rather than trying to protect myself.

That prayer opened a door to many marvelous transformative steps in my life. The first ones came out of a trip to Belize that summer. I'll talk more about that tomorrow.

I would love to hear your stories of transformational pivot points!

Day 5: Why? An Answer

Yesterday, I shared a brief history of what led me ask the question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I have read and heard many answers to this question, some helpful, some . . . not so much.

What I am going to share is AN answer to this question. Although it is an answer that has given me peace through many losses, I also want to say that I know this is not THE ultimate answer, there are pieces missing still. I'm okay with that for now because I am still on the journey. What I have to offer is what I have learned in the face of my own loss and heartache.

The other thing I hope is that my conclusion does not seem overly simplistic, because I don't believe there IS a simple answer. I recognize that this question is usually asked with great anguish and turmoil and that finding peace and resolution is a hard fought journey that takes time.

The foundation of my answer came in the realization that God is good. G.O.O.D. Often we think of good as well-behaved, pleasant, nice, beautiful or high quality. However, God is so much more than that. With God, good refers to his moral character. He is holy and righteous, absolutely without evil. There is no evil in Him and He has not been tainted by evil in any way. He is good and all He does is good.


How did evil enter this world? God created a perfect heaven and a perfect earth. He created angelic beings to serve Him and human beings to enjoy the Earth and to experience intimate relationship with Him. One angel led a rebellion and declared himself equal to God. This angel was cast out of heaven with one third of the angels. He is the being known today as the devil. This same angelic-being-gone-bad influenced the first man and woman to disobey God. With that choice to disobey, evil, death, and destruction entered the human experience. The world and all that is in it was contaminated by sin. God has been at work ever since to redeem what is and to restore what was lost.

The second key factor is that God gave human beings the gift of choice. God did not create evil, nor does He cause evil or sin. Sin entered the world when Adam and Eve chose to disobey God. Because sin entered the world, so did disease and death and many other horrible things.

The one question I want to ask God when I reach heaven is, "Why was it so important for us to be able to choose? You knew all that would happen, all the pain and destruction, yet it was so very important to You that we be able to choose. Why?" I have heard answers. The most compelling to me is that God didn't want robots or puppets, but creatures like Himself who could choose - choose to love, choose right, choose good. Still, I long to hear from God Himself the answer to this question.

Human beings and all that dwell on planet Earth ARE bent and broken, tainted by sin. Our noblest motives, our most altruistic actions, our best relationships are all tainted by the evil that entered this world so many centuries ago. (C.S. Lewis' Space Trilogy helped me to understand this in a vivid way. Great reading by the way!)

Sometimes bad things happen as a result of human choice. A person chooses to drive while "under the influence" or while texting and a tragic accident happens. People engage in dangerous activities and a rope breaks, a tree gets in the way, a tire blows and life is irrevocably altered. Government officials make poor political choices and an entire country suffers because of it. 

Sometimes bad things happen as a result of disease that entered the world as a consequence of sin. People battle illness and sometimes the battle is won and sometimes it is lost, each the result of a myriad of interwoven factors such as physical condition, treatment options available, the patient's will to fight, the severity of the disease, and the skill of the doctors.

Sometimes bad things happen because all of creation is under the curse of sin. A tsunami or earthquake destroys property and claims lives, a drought causes crops to fail leading to hunger and malnutrition. Even these "acts of nature" are not what God created the world to be, but what it has become because of the damage of sin.

Bad things happening is the expected outcome of living in a world bent and broken by sin.

Our HOPE is that God will make good out of the bad. He is good. He can only produce good. Bad things will happen in life because of sin. But God promises to work those bad things into something good for those who love Him.

One of my favorite authors, George MacDonald (contemporary of Charles Dickens and admired by C.S. Lewis), has a theme flowing through his writings - that God wants to make us good. I think that perhaps too often we look outside ourselves for the good that we would like God to bring about, when He desires to bring about good IN us, to make us good. 

One of the good things God brings about is building our character as we learn to respond to bad things in ways that reflect Christ. Another good God produces is to strengthen our faith and to help us come to know Him better. God may also work good by helping people to know Christ, by bringing truth to light so that health can be found, by giving a deeper appreciation for life and loved ones, by teaching lessons that change the course of life in a positive direction. The possibilities are endless for what God can do to bring good out of the bad things that happen.

Our other hope is heaven, that one day we will live in a place where mourning and tears are wiped away, where bad things no longer happen. We have the hope that we will forever dwell with God in a perfect place and in unity with God and mankind. In heaven we will see the final redemption of what has been lost and restoration to what was intended to be.

May you find hope and peace on your journey and may you have vision to see the good that God is bringing about.

What are your thoughts about all this?

What good things have you seen come out of bad situations?

Day 4: Why? The Question

Throughout my life I have repeatedly been asked, "Why? Why did this happen? Why did God allow this to happen?"

Four specific untimely deaths led me to ask these questions myself as a young adult.

When I was eight my uncle was killed in a tragic car accident. He and a teenage passenger were killed while he was driving a vehicle full of young people to an amusement park for a church youth group trip. He was serving God. Why did God let him die?

When I was 12 nearly 13 our Pastor's son (just six months older than I) lost his battle with leukemia. His father was a faithful, godly man. The boy was a good boy. Why did God let him die?

While my cousin and his wife were in language school preparing to be missionaries, he was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). The disease ravaged his body and slowly incapacitated him and then his wife was a widow and his young sons were fatherless. WHY did God let him die?

The year I was a freshman in college another cousin's very young daughter lost her battle with leukemia. Chemotherapy, bone marrow transplant, every effort had been made to save her precious life, but in the end nothing could be done. WHY, oh why, did God let this little child die?

Why? Why did God take those who were serving Him? Why did tragedy, trauma, and such profound grief fall on those who were following His call, serving Him with their lives? It seemed so unfair, so upside down for a just and loving God. These questions along with feelings of disappointment (God hadn't protected His own children), sadness as I saw others in such deep pain of loss, and at times anger (How could God allow this?!) swirled around in my head and heart for nearly a decade and a half. At first the thoughts and questions were often in my mind. As time passed, they receded and I came to something of a fatalistic acceptance, but no true resolution.

Then I was faced with a loss of my own and all these questions bubbled to the surface neatly summed up by Rabbi Kushner in the title of his book, Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People? For several months after my loss I wrestled with this question and slowly I found an answer that made sense to me.

Tune in tomorrow for the answer that made sense to me.

At some point in life, most of us ponder this question, "Why Do Bad Things Happen?" 

What answers have you found to this question?

Five Minute Friday: Write

⁴ “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ⁵ You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. ⁶ And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹ You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 6:4-9 ESV)

One of the first things that comes to mind when I hear the word "write" is the Scripture passage quoted above. As I was seeking direction in my life, I was reading in Deuteronomy and came across these verses. The two words that seemed to leap off the page were TEACH and WRITE. What are we to teach and write? The commandments of God. 

God desired that His children would know what He had said to them and He wanted His words preserved and passed down from generation to generation. To ensure that this would happen, He commanded His people to teach them all. the. time! wherever they were AND to write them in places where they would be seen . . . every . . . day!

What legacy do you desire to pass on through your writing?

Day 3: Oops! Where Did the Rug Go?

Did you ever feel like life pulled the rug out from under you and you're not sure what to do, where to go. It's even worse when it seems that God is the one who has pulled out the rug and left us confused, lost and alone. Getting our bearings and sense of direction again can be difficult.

Convinced that I was to be a career missionary overseas, I spent 7 weeks in Peru as a missionary apprentice in the summer of 1987. I returned excited, starry-eyed, and ready to pursue my dream, what I believed to be God's call on my life.

During the following school year, I wrote a letter seeking advice to the mission agency I had worked with the previous summer and that I hoped to work with as a career missionary. The response I received pulled the rug out from under me and, at that time, seemed to close the door to the career I had believed I was to follow. My college major, trips I had taken, activities I was involved in all were to prepare me for this career. This letter, arriving in the midst of a series of difficult events, pulled the rug out. I felt lost, confused, directionless. I asked why over and over as I tried to make sense of this sudden and unexpected change.

This letter, combined with the series of unfortunate events changed the course of my life from a focus primarily on overseas ministry to ministry in the USA and even more specifically in the church. However this shift took time and only came after a dark night of the soul.

During this dark night of the soul, I doubted the character of God. What kind of God would do this to me? I withdrew from church, feeling deeply hurt and wounded by the treatment I had received at the hands of those IN the church. Eventually I wrestled through my questions about God's character and came to a place of peace, but that is another story for another day.

Have you ever felt like the rug was pulled out from under you? 

What advice would you give to someone in that circumstance?

Day 2: Going for the Gold

"What will you make of your life?

This question was posed to me by one of my professors while I was in college. I often engaged in lengthy conversations with this mentor where he posed difficult life questions to me. In the spring of 1985, he challenged me to think about where my life was headed and how I would live.

Although my life has not followed the path I thought it would then, a vow I made at that time has been a guiding factor, an anchor over the course of my life.

Classes were over, finals were nearly complete and that year's graduation exercises were rapidly approaching. One warm spring day I made my way to a quiet spot in a large, old cemetery on the banks of the Susquehanna River. There I wrestled with God about what He wanted for me. I read verses from my Bible about the solemnity of making a vow to God. I prayed. I journaled. Eventually a vow emerged, a vow to serve God all my life long.

At that time I imagined I would take the good news of Jesus to some foreign country, but instead my life took a different path. My journey led me to teach in my own country, to work in a church first with youth and later with adults. Through bumps and bruises, through times of great satisfaction and times of doubt my heart has led me back over and over to this anchor, this call, this vow that when all is said and done I want God to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." My service has not been perfect. I am an average woman seeking to please God with her life and I fail and falter. Yet, this promise to God and His Spirit in my life cause me to get back up each time I falter, to try again.

Currently, I find myself in a season of change and transition. The path I thought I would take turned a bend and all was different. I am looking forward to what the next season will hold, some days with anticipation, some days with fear. I wonder where serving Christ will take me next, but I am thankful that in a world of change one piece of the puzzle remains solid - my purpose in life is to serve my Savior.

Have you ever made a vow or a decision that has had a life shaping effect on you? 

I'd love to hear about it.

Day 1: His Eyes

When I saw the pain in his eyes, I repented and prayed to change.

I was in my early teens and waiting at our local public school for my ride to the Christian school I attended in a nearby city. Several of us waited each morning and often our public school friends would come to visit us.

On this particular morning, one of my friends, a young man on whom I'd had a crush since I was 5, had come to visit. I had been peeved with him over a now unremembered offense and had given him the cold shoulder. When he came to me to ask what was wrong, I looked into his big, vivid blue eyes and I saw hurt, deep hurt. His eyes haunted me throughout that day.

That evening alone in my bedroom I realized that I had hurt more than this boy I admired. He was one of God's children and when I hurt one of God's children, I hurt God too.

God . . . my heavenly Father, the Creator of the universe, who had given me the right to call him Papa. Jesus who was beaten, mocked, and crucified because of my sin . . . my sin. I had hurt a brother in Christ, deliberately, out of my own pettiness. Christ had died for this sin . . . even this, what would seem to be, small sin in the grand scheme of sins.

Superimposed over the hurt in this boy's eyes, I saw the hurt in Jesus' eyes when I sin, when I do wrong, when I hurt another person.

My heart broke as I understood the depth of my sin and what my sin had done to the Jesus I love. I begged God to never allow me to hurt Him like that again. I walked in the knowledge of the weight of my sin (big or small) after that. I knew of God's forgiveness, although it would be years before I grasped the wonderful immensity of God's forgiveness, grace, and love toward me that could completely cover every one of my sins.

31 Days Transformational Pivot Points

Welcome!! Thank you for dropping in to see what's happening during my 31 Days of Pivot Points. Here's a quick summary of what you'll find.

Throughout my life I have had "Pivot Points," times when an event or a lesson has transformed my thinking and my behavior. For the 31 Days of October I will be sharing these Transformational Pivot Points here at Emerging Butterflies.

Nester is the inspiration behind this endeavor and I am linking up with others through her website to share our 31 Days musings. Be sure to check out others there too. If you're participating in the 31 Days, please leave the URL to your first 31 Days post so that others can drop by and visit you too.

Grab a cup of coffee or a mug of hot chocolate on these cool Fall days and read along as I share how God has transformed me little bit by little bit . . . from what I was to what I am becoming in Him.

A link to each day's posts will be added below:

Day 1: His Eyes
Day 2: Going for the Gold
Day 3: Oops! Where Did the Rug Go?
Day 4: Why? The Question
Day 5: Why? An Answer
Day 6: Surrender
Day 7: Simplicity and Substance
Day 8: Flowing from a Pure Heart
Day 9: Listening to God
Day 10: Blessing by Being
Day 11: Five Minute Friday and Pivot Points . . . Ordinary
Day 12: Path of Transformation
Day 13: Level of Commitment
Day 14: Invincible Faith
Day 15: Working Together for Good
Day 16: Grieving the Loss
Day 17: Lies v. Truth
Day 18: Five Minute Friday Meets Pivot Points - Laundry
Day 19: I Am Loved
Day 20: What to do with Emotions
Day 21: Captivating Woman - Part 1
Day 22: Captivating Woman - Part 2
Day 23: Neither Offend or Be Offended
Day 24: Created in God's Image
Day 25: Five Minute Friday and Pivot Points: Together
Day 26: Bubbles and Boundaries
Day 27: Accept Another's Essence
Day 28: Dependent on God and Connected to People
Day 29: Changed Thinking
Day 30: Pruning
Day 31: 31 Days Wrap-up

Five Minute Friday: TRUE

"A cup of sweet water, no matter how violently jarred, will never spill bitter water." 

(Amy Carmichael - missionary to India) 

Last spring I saw this quote approached in a different way. A woman was asked to hold a cup of water and then another woman bumped the first woman's hand and water spilled out. The question was asked, "Why did the water spill out?" The answer, because the cup was jarred. WRONG! The water spilled because that was what was in the cup.

Recently I have been reminded of this at times when I feel stepped on or taken advantage of and I feel first frustration and then anger bubbling to the surface, anger that I do not like. I am reminded that I am not angry because of the other person. I am angry because that is what is inside me that is spilling out.

I am thankful for God's forgiveness in those moments when I feel anger and rage and let is spill out. I am thankful that when I feel ashamed of the ugliness inside of me, He forgives, refreshes, restores, and gives me hope for a better day.

Picture: Microsoft clip art

Clutter to Clarity

"Define what you are shooting for, and then prune against that standard." 

~ Dr. Henry Cloud (Necessary Endings)

In June I began a Clutter Buster Challenge - get rid of 7 items per day. By the end of August I had gotten rid of over 5,000 items (much of it paper). Choosing what to keep and what to discard gave me clarity about my life.

In the past I had been a school teacher and a youth worker. Those seasons have ended and now I am looking ahead to a new season. Although the picture of the next season is still a little fuzzy, I see a picture of a counselor, a teacher, and a writer. While I gave away many of my tools that had served me well as a school teacher or youth leader, I kept those tools that would help me as a counselor, non-school teacher, and writer. In my sorting and evaluating, I found clarity about the season that had ended and the season ahead.

The old must go to make way for the new. Pursuing new opportunities requires energy, time, and focus. As long as I hung on to the old, I was stealing time, energy and focus from what lies ahead. I had to let go of the old to make room for the new. Letting go of the old is giving me the time and space to focus on the new. As I focus on the new, I am excited about what lies ahead.

My Clutter Buster Challenge has ended. Purging my home of what has come to an end has given me emotional and mental space to pursue the future. Still, I own too much. My next challenge is "Finding a Home" for everything, also known as "having a place for everything, and everything in its place." I can tell that this is going to lead to further pruning. As I continue to prune, I trust that my next steps will become clearer and clearer as well. 

Have you had a time when you made room for a new season in your life? What helped you to transition into that new opportunity?

Five Minute Friday: She

She carried me in her womb. She waited while the church bells rang and other mothers gave birth. She waited for me to arrive. She cradled me in her arms and cared for my needs.

She taught me to talk, to walk, to sing, to cook, to sew, to love, to learn, to follow Christ above all else.

She became my best friend. She went on shopping trips, vacations, doctor's visits, trips to college, and to church with me.

She grew older . . . and older. Now she is facing the winter of her life and it is confusing and lonely at times for her. She calls me when she is afraid or lonely or confused. She tires easily so trips to town are shorter and she lets me do her shopping, take her to the doctor, arrange her pills in their green, purple, and yellow cases.

She gives me the privilege of loving her as she has loved me my whole life long.

Five Minute Friday: Red

In 1974 my parents and I moved into our new home. My older siblings were either married or pursuing careers and I was the only one left in the nest. On the south side of our new home my father had placed a family room, a large room with windows on three sides - facing east, south, and west. My mother decorated this room in grays, gray-blues, and red. The carpet was red and the design on the long drapes was red. A fireplace flanked by two windows dominated one wall. This was a room of many happy memories.

Five Minute Friday