Day 19: I Am Loved

On March 27, 2002 I wrote in an e-mail to a friend:

I have been thinking a lot about friendship and love, trying to understand how I define them - not the "correct" biblical or philosophical definitions, but my definitions. How have I defined, perceived, and acted out friendship and love? It's been difficult to answer.

I believe my "love languages" are time and words of encouragement. That is old news. What was new for me was the realization that for all the years of my life, I believed that if I didn't FEEL loved, then I wasn't loved. What made me FEEL loved were actions from my love languages and many people didn't love me that way. I began to ask myself what if I were to believe, really believe and not doubt that people love me, especially when they say they do? What if I base being loved not on whether I FEEL loved, what if I base it on faith and trust? I began to seriously ask myself how my life would be different if I could do this.

So much of my life has been spent trying to earn other people's love, trying to FEEL loved, wanting other people to FEEL loved. What if I start with the belief that the people around me love me if they say they do, or even if they don't say they do outright, but communicate it using some other love language? What if I focus on believing I AM LOVED? What changes?

A few weeks later I wrote in my journal:
For the past 6 weeks or so God has done this incredible work of healing in me.

Now I'm starting with the premise that I am loved. When something happens, I can look at it as an event and then resolve it and move on . . . let it go. For so long, the deep burning question of my soul has been does anyone really love me, can anyone? Events that happened either affirmed love or negated love and everything was tied together to prove or disprove I was loved. Everything was tangled together in an attempt to answer this soul-deep question.

Now, I am saying, "I am loved." It's no longer based on a feeling. It's no longer based on what people do that communicates love in my language. It's based on Truth and on trust.

I'm no longer saying this person made me feel loved, therefore I am loved. I'm no longer looking at specific people and asking in my heart, "Do you love me?" I'm no longer expecting a handful of people to cause me to feel loved.

I am saying . . . no more than that . . . I am BELIEVING that I am loved. I believe God loves me and I believe the people around me - my family and close friends, even others - love me.

I'm no longer asking for proof. I'm no longer expecting human beings to meet my needs. I am accepting, believing, and acting on the fact that I am loved. I am trusting God to meet my every need - emotional, spiritual, social, and physical - through Himself and through whomever He chooses.

It is so freeing!!!!!

Did you always know you were loved or did you have an aha moment too?