Day 4: Why? The Question

Throughout my life I have repeatedly been asked, "Why? Why did this happen? Why did God allow this to happen?"

Four specific untimely deaths led me to ask these questions myself as a young adult.

When I was eight my uncle was killed in a tragic car accident. He and a teenage passenger were killed while he was driving a vehicle full of young people to an amusement park for a church youth group trip. He was serving God. Why did God let him die?

When I was 12 nearly 13 our Pastor's son (just six months older than I) lost his battle with leukemia. His father was a faithful, godly man. The boy was a good boy. Why did God let him die?

While my cousin and his wife were in language school preparing to be missionaries, he was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). The disease ravaged his body and slowly incapacitated him and then his wife was a widow and his young sons were fatherless. WHY did God let him die?

The year I was a freshman in college another cousin's very young daughter lost her battle with leukemia. Chemotherapy, bone marrow transplant, every effort had been made to save her precious life, but in the end nothing could be done. WHY, oh why, did God let this little child die?

Why? Why did God take those who were serving Him? Why did tragedy, trauma, and such profound grief fall on those who were following His call, serving Him with their lives? It seemed so unfair, so upside down for a just and loving God. These questions along with feelings of disappointment (God hadn't protected His own children), sadness as I saw others in such deep pain of loss, and at times anger (How could God allow this?!) swirled around in my head and heart for nearly a decade and a half. At first the thoughts and questions were often in my mind. As time passed, they receded and I came to something of a fatalistic acceptance, but no true resolution.

Then I was faced with a loss of my own and all these questions bubbled to the surface neatly summed up by Rabbi Kushner in the title of his book, Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People? For several months after my loss I wrestled with this question and slowly I found an answer that made sense to me.

Tune in tomorrow for the answer that made sense to me.

At some point in life, most of us ponder this question, "Why Do Bad Things Happen?" 

What answers have you found to this question?

Five Minute Friday: Write

⁴ “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ⁵ You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. ⁶ And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹ You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 6:4-9 ESV)

One of the first things that comes to mind when I hear the word "write" is the Scripture passage quoted above. As I was seeking direction in my life, I was reading in Deuteronomy and came across these verses. The two words that seemed to leap off the page were TEACH and WRITE. What are we to teach and write? The commandments of God. 

God desired that His children would know what He had said to them and He wanted His words preserved and passed down from generation to generation. To ensure that this would happen, He commanded His people to teach them all. the. time! wherever they were AND to write them in places where they would be seen . . . every . . . day!

What legacy do you desire to pass on through your writing?

Day 3: Oops! Where Did the Rug Go?

Did you ever feel like life pulled the rug out from under you and you're not sure what to do, where to go. It's even worse when it seems that God is the one who has pulled out the rug and left us confused, lost and alone. Getting our bearings and sense of direction again can be difficult.

Convinced that I was to be a career missionary overseas, I spent 7 weeks in Peru as a missionary apprentice in the summer of 1987. I returned excited, starry-eyed, and ready to pursue my dream, what I believed to be God's call on my life.

During the following school year, I wrote a letter seeking advice to the mission agency I had worked with the previous summer and that I hoped to work with as a career missionary. The response I received pulled the rug out from under me and, at that time, seemed to close the door to the career I had believed I was to follow. My college major, trips I had taken, activities I was involved in all were to prepare me for this career. This letter, arriving in the midst of a series of difficult events, pulled the rug out. I felt lost, confused, directionless. I asked why over and over as I tried to make sense of this sudden and unexpected change.

This letter, combined with the series of unfortunate events changed the course of my life from a focus primarily on overseas ministry to ministry in the USA and even more specifically in the church. However this shift took time and only came after a dark night of the soul.

During this dark night of the soul, I doubted the character of God. What kind of God would do this to me? I withdrew from church, feeling deeply hurt and wounded by the treatment I had received at the hands of those IN the church. Eventually I wrestled through my questions about God's character and came to a place of peace, but that is another story for another day.

Have you ever felt like the rug was pulled out from under you? 

What advice would you give to someone in that circumstance?

Day 2: Going for the Gold

"What will you make of your life?

This question was posed to me by one of my professors while I was in college. I often engaged in lengthy conversations with this mentor where he posed difficult life questions to me. In the spring of 1985, he challenged me to think about where my life was headed and how I would live.

Although my life has not followed the path I thought it would then, a vow I made at that time has been a guiding factor, an anchor over the course of my life.

Classes were over, finals were nearly complete and that year's graduation exercises were rapidly approaching. One warm spring day I made my way to a quiet spot in a large, old cemetery on the banks of the Susquehanna River. There I wrestled with God about what He wanted for me. I read verses from my Bible about the solemnity of making a vow to God. I prayed. I journaled. Eventually a vow emerged, a vow to serve God all my life long.

At that time I imagined I would take the good news of Jesus to some foreign country, but instead my life took a different path. My journey led me to teach in my own country, to work in a church first with youth and later with adults. Through bumps and bruises, through times of great satisfaction and times of doubt my heart has led me back over and over to this anchor, this call, this vow that when all is said and done I want God to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." My service has not been perfect. I am an average woman seeking to please God with her life and I fail and falter. Yet, this promise to God and His Spirit in my life cause me to get back up each time I falter, to try again.

Currently, I find myself in a season of change and transition. The path I thought I would take turned a bend and all was different. I am looking forward to what the next season will hold, some days with anticipation, some days with fear. I wonder where serving Christ will take me next, but I am thankful that in a world of change one piece of the puzzle remains solid - my purpose in life is to serve my Savior.

Have you ever made a vow or a decision that has had a life shaping effect on you? 

I'd love to hear about it.

Day 1: His Eyes

When I saw the pain in his eyes, I repented and prayed to change.

I was in my early teens and waiting at our local public school for my ride to the Christian school I attended in a nearby city. Several of us waited each morning and often our public school friends would come to visit us.

On this particular morning, one of my friends, a young man on whom I'd had a crush since I was 5, had come to visit. I had been peeved with him over a now unremembered offense and had given him the cold shoulder. When he came to me to ask what was wrong, I looked into his big, vivid blue eyes and I saw hurt, deep hurt. His eyes haunted me throughout that day.

That evening alone in my bedroom I realized that I had hurt more than this boy I admired. He was one of God's children and when I hurt one of God's children, I hurt God too.

God . . . my heavenly Father, the Creator of the universe, who had given me the right to call him Papa. Jesus who was beaten, mocked, and crucified because of my sin . . . my sin. I had hurt a brother in Christ, deliberately, out of my own pettiness. Christ had died for this sin . . . even this, what would seem to be, small sin in the grand scheme of sins.

Superimposed over the hurt in this boy's eyes, I saw the hurt in Jesus' eyes when I sin, when I do wrong, when I hurt another person.

My heart broke as I understood the depth of my sin and what my sin had done to the Jesus I love. I begged God to never allow me to hurt Him like that again. I walked in the knowledge of the weight of my sin (big or small) after that. I knew of God's forgiveness, although it would be years before I grasped the wonderful immensity of God's forgiveness, grace, and love toward me that could completely cover every one of my sins.

31 Days Transformational Pivot Points

Welcome!! Thank you for dropping in to see what's happening during my 31 Days of Pivot Points. Here's a quick summary of what you'll find.

Throughout my life I have had "Pivot Points," times when an event or a lesson has transformed my thinking and my behavior. For the 31 Days of October I will be sharing these Transformational Pivot Points here at Emerging Butterflies.

Nester is the inspiration behind this endeavor and I am linking up with others through her website to share our 31 Days musings. Be sure to check out others there too. If you're participating in the 31 Days, please leave the URL to your first 31 Days post so that others can drop by and visit you too.

Grab a cup of coffee or a mug of hot chocolate on these cool Fall days and read along as I share how God has transformed me little bit by little bit . . . from what I was to what I am becoming in Him.

A link to each day's posts will be added below:

Day 1: His Eyes
Day 2: Going for the Gold
Day 3: Oops! Where Did the Rug Go?
Day 4: Why? The Question
Day 5: Why? An Answer
Day 6: Surrender
Day 7: Simplicity and Substance
Day 8: Flowing from a Pure Heart
Day 9: Listening to God
Day 10: Blessing by Being
Day 11: Five Minute Friday and Pivot Points . . . Ordinary
Day 12: Path of Transformation
Day 13: Level of Commitment
Day 14: Invincible Faith
Day 15: Working Together for Good
Day 16: Grieving the Loss
Day 17: Lies v. Truth
Day 18: Five Minute Friday Meets Pivot Points - Laundry
Day 19: I Am Loved
Day 20: What to do with Emotions
Day 21: Captivating Woman - Part 1
Day 22: Captivating Woman - Part 2
Day 23: Neither Offend or Be Offended
Day 24: Created in God's Image
Day 25: Five Minute Friday and Pivot Points: Together
Day 26: Bubbles and Boundaries
Day 27: Accept Another's Essence
Day 28: Dependent on God and Connected to People
Day 29: Changed Thinking
Day 30: Pruning
Day 31: 31 Days Wrap-up

Five Minute Friday: TRUE

"A cup of sweet water, no matter how violently jarred, will never spill bitter water." 

(Amy Carmichael - missionary to India) 

Last spring I saw this quote approached in a different way. A woman was asked to hold a cup of water and then another woman bumped the first woman's hand and water spilled out. The question was asked, "Why did the water spill out?" The answer, because the cup was jarred. WRONG! The water spilled because that was what was in the cup.

Recently I have been reminded of this at times when I feel stepped on or taken advantage of and I feel first frustration and then anger bubbling to the surface, anger that I do not like. I am reminded that I am not angry because of the other person. I am angry because that is what is inside me that is spilling out.

I am thankful for God's forgiveness in those moments when I feel anger and rage and let is spill out. I am thankful that when I feel ashamed of the ugliness inside of me, He forgives, refreshes, restores, and gives me hope for a better day.

Picture: Microsoft clip art

Clutter to Clarity

"Define what you are shooting for, and then prune against that standard." 

~ Dr. Henry Cloud (Necessary Endings)

In June I began a Clutter Buster Challenge - get rid of 7 items per day. By the end of August I had gotten rid of over 5,000 items (much of it paper). Choosing what to keep and what to discard gave me clarity about my life.

In the past I had been a school teacher and a youth worker. Those seasons have ended and now I am looking ahead to a new season. Although the picture of the next season is still a little fuzzy, I see a picture of a counselor, a teacher, and a writer. While I gave away many of my tools that had served me well as a school teacher or youth leader, I kept those tools that would help me as a counselor, non-school teacher, and writer. In my sorting and evaluating, I found clarity about the season that had ended and the season ahead.

The old must go to make way for the new. Pursuing new opportunities requires energy, time, and focus. As long as I hung on to the old, I was stealing time, energy and focus from what lies ahead. I had to let go of the old to make room for the new. Letting go of the old is giving me the time and space to focus on the new. As I focus on the new, I am excited about what lies ahead.

My Clutter Buster Challenge has ended. Purging my home of what has come to an end has given me emotional and mental space to pursue the future. Still, I own too much. My next challenge is "Finding a Home" for everything, also known as "having a place for everything, and everything in its place." I can tell that this is going to lead to further pruning. As I continue to prune, I trust that my next steps will become clearer and clearer as well. 

Have you had a time when you made room for a new season in your life? What helped you to transition into that new opportunity?

Five Minute Friday: She

She carried me in her womb. She waited while the church bells rang and other mothers gave birth. She waited for me to arrive. She cradled me in her arms and cared for my needs.

She taught me to talk, to walk, to sing, to cook, to sew, to love, to learn, to follow Christ above all else.

She became my best friend. She went on shopping trips, vacations, doctor's visits, trips to college, and to church with me.

She grew older . . . and older. Now she is facing the winter of her life and it is confusing and lonely at times for her. She calls me when she is afraid or lonely or confused. She tires easily so trips to town are shorter and she lets me do her shopping, take her to the doctor, arrange her pills in their green, purple, and yellow cases.

She gives me the privilege of loving her as she has loved me my whole life long.

Five Minute Friday: Red

In 1974 my parents and I moved into our new home. My older siblings were either married or pursuing careers and I was the only one left in the nest. On the south side of our new home my father had placed a family room, a large room with windows on three sides - facing east, south, and west. My mother decorated this room in grays, gray-blues, and red. The carpet was red and the design on the long drapes was red. A fireplace flanked by two windows dominated one wall. This was a room of many happy memories.

Five Minute Friday

Five Minute Friday: Small

Small . . . kittens . . . babies. So many babies have been born to people I know recently. Most of those births have brought great joy, but some have brought sorrow and anxiety even loss.

Babies come into our world small, helpless, defenseless and we love them, we long to care for them to see them grow to maturity to live a full and beautiful life. When one is taken from us, the loss seems impossible to bear, the questions endless, and the pain unendurable. People I care about are going through this right now and there are no words to comfort them, nothing to say to answer the heart-wrenching "why" that nags at our souls. Yet still God is good. Still God loves. So I ask him to heal this broken-hearted family and the people who love them.

Five Minute Friday

Clutter Buster Challenge

Back on April 29th Money Saving Mom invited all her bloggy friends to join in her in a Clutter Buster Challenge for the month of May. The challenge was to rid your home of 7 items each day for the entire month.

Well, my invitation was late, so I didn't find out about the challenge until most of May was done. However, I knew how desperately I needed to accept this challenge, so I decided even though it meant being incredibly late to the party, I would accept this challenge, but for June. Well . . . actually, not just for June, but also for July and August. So far so good. June is recently ended and it's time to report how I did.

I donated 21 books, 12 foam craft sheets, 15 corrugated craft sheets, a bin of foam letters, 7 Happy Birthday pencils, and 4 red pencils to a local Christian school.

41 files of outdated financial records hit the shredder to be taken to the recycling center.

23 defunct writing utensils were thrown out.

13 pen and pencils were donated to my church's Jr. Church program.

Approximately 750 pictures from my picture file were recycled.

247 documents were recycled.

20 sewing patterns will be sold at a garage sale or donated to a worthy charity.

An old Pledge sweeper hit the dust and went the way of the trash.

3 calendars were recycled.

5 Ink cartridges are marked for recycling.

514 pieces of paper were recycled.

14 packages of craft supplies are headed for a garage sale.

39 greeting cards were donated.

12 books set aside for a garage sale.

5 gift bags thrown away.

3 gift bags set aside to sell.

3 gift bags recycled.

Total number of items decluttered = 1,753

Whew! My office space feels lighter! Now onto other parts of my home.

What clutter have you removed lately? or what clutter do you need to remove?

Books that Influenced How I Live

Books are like good friends who influence us to live better, fuller, richer lives. I enjoy reading. I enjoy hearing the voices of others and I am delighted when those voices have something so valuable to say that it changes how I live. Here are 8 books, other than the Bible (which deserves a post all of its own), that have impacted how I live.

The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence taught me to avoid getting trapped in guilt. Brother Lawrence describes how he deals with sin. He acknowledged his sin to God, accepted God's forgiveness and moved forward in obedience seeking to honor God in all things. Rather than wallow in guilt, trapped and hindered, he accepted and trusted in God's forgiveness and grace and lived in freedom and love. 

A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken tells the story of a young man and woman in love unwilling to consider Christ or Christianity until they meet C.S. Lewis. They come to faith in Christ, yet Sheldon refuses to put Christ before his beloved wife. When she is taken from him, he grieves deeply for her. He showed me how to grieve purposely, how to honor the one lost, grieve the loss, and move forward. 

A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser describes the day tragedy struck his family and left him bereft of his wife, mother, and daughter. He taught me how deeply loss impacts our identity. We derive much of our identity from our relationships and when they are lost we must look deeper into our own soul to discover who we are apart from those we have loved and lost.

Men are Like Waffles – Women are Like Spaghetti – Pam and Bill Farrell's description of the ways men and women think differently changed how I related to men. I learned that things that seemed unbelievable to me were reality (like men can turn off their brains or when they say "I forgot" it's not merely an excuse, but often the truth). I learned to stay on topic more especially in a serious, problem-solving conversations.

Henry Virkler describes how we relate to one another in Speaking Your Mind without Stepping on Toes. Sometimes we manipulate, sometimes we become aggressive, sometimes we become passive, however the best way to relate is assertively. When we approach another person in an assertive manner, we remember that both ourselves and the other person matter. We seek to find solutions that express respect for both people.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People written by well-known author and speaker, Steven Covey, contains a treasure box of life changing ideas: seek first to understand then to be understood, work through difficulties until you find a win-win solution, and prioritize based on what is important rather than what is urgent.

How I Changed My Mind about Women in Leadership by Alan Johnson is an anthology of reputable, conservative Christians who seek to live according to Scripture and who have also come to recognize the freedom that women have in Christ to exercise their gifts.

The Youth Builder by Jim Burns taught me to establish boundaries that protected my ministry and personal life. Ministry is emotionally and spiritually draining which can also impact us physically. Jim Burns recommends, among other things, limiting the number of nights out each week and taking retreats to focus on God and be refreshed. His advice led me to begin having "Solo Days" - a day set apart every three months to seek God and recognize His direction in my life.

What books have influenced how you live? What lessons have you learned from your favorite authors?

I Met a Man

Today I met a man who changed my life.

For twelve years, I have visited physician after physician. I believe I have seen every physician in this whole district and no one could help me . . . no one! My money is nearly all spent and I am considered unclean. All I touch is unclean. I am even restricted in where I can go, who I can touch, and how I interact with my family and friends. I have lived this way for twelve years and I was desperate for help, desperate for healing.

I have heard of a new teacher, a new rabbi who travels around Galilee and heals people. I was so desperate! I heard he was near my village so I went to where he was, hoping he might help me. I thought surely if I could only touch his robe . . . he is so powerful . . . just touching his robe would be enough.

The crowd was thick around him, like a flock of sheep gathering around a feeding trough. People were pressing close to him and jostling him on every side. How could I get close enough to merely touch the edge of his robe? I pushed my way through the crowd, getting more than a few angry looks, but I didn't care. I NEEDED to touch his robe. I had tried everything else and I needed this man to heal me . . . so very desperate.

At last I was close to him, just a couple of people stood between us. So close. I pushed ahead, heedless of the people in my path, and I reached out and I made it. I touched his robe, only the fringe, but it was enough. As soon as I felt the soft tickle of the fringe on my fingertips, I felt his healing power flow through me. I felt the blood stop flowing. Never for an instant did I mean to interrupt him. After all he was hurrying to an emergency. A young girl had died and he was on his way to help. I touched him so lightly, the fringe, only the fringe and from the back. I thought he would not know. But he did know.

He stopped. He asked who touched him. His disciples made fun of him a little because so many people were jostling him from every side, but he insisted and then he looked straight at me. I knew that he knew I was the one, so I admitted I had touched him. He looked me in the eye with such love and compassion as I have never seen before and said, "Take heart, daughter, your faith has made you well."

I met Jesus today and my life has been changed.

_____________________________________

Recently I have been preparing for a workshop that I will be teaching at my church's annual women's conference and I have been experimenting with different types of journaling as well as different ways of studying the Bible. This post is the outcome of one of those experiments and is based on the story of "The Woman with an Issue of Blood" found in Matthew 9 and Luke 8.

I would love to hear about your journaling experiences and/or things you do to keep your Bible study times fresh.

2012 - A Dakota Tale

Guest writer Dakota joins us for this final post of 2012.  

Here I am again putting paw to keyboard to send you a year end greeting from Mommy and me. She has had a very exciting year and I want to tell you all about it!

In January, Mama was able to live out one of her long time dreams. She went to see “The Phantom of the Opera” on Broadway. Shortly after New Year’s she started listing Bucket List items on Facebook. One of them was to see a Broadway show. One of the ladies from her church saw this and offered to go with her. Then a man from her church gave her a link to a site where she could get tickets very inexpensively. Before Mama knew it, she had tickets to see “The Phantom of the Opera” with two women from her church. She loved it!! (Yeowzer!!) When the music began to play and the chandelier began to rise, she got a chill up her spine and was entranced the rest of the evening. 

In Broome County where Mama grew up, they have an annual weekend event called the Balloon Rally and Spiedie Fest. Mama used to go many years ago, but she hasn’t been able to go since she moved away. This August Mama and cousin Sandra went to the Fest. On Friday night they were able to watch the hot air balloons fill up and take off. On Sunday they went to church at the Fest, heard Mark Shultz in concert (meow, he was good, even though he made people cry with his poignant songs!) and then wandered around looking at the crafts and Mama enjoyed a spiedie sandwich. That afternoon Mama and cousin Sandra were able to hear Lone Star in concert as well. It was a fun weekend for Mama.

 

Autumn brought another opportunity. Mommy took a workshop.  For 5 weeks she met with several other women and they worked through a book called Sacred Rhythms about how to incorporate different spiritual disciplines into your life so that you can get to know God better. She enjoyed getting to know the other women and learning about them and sharing herself with them. Through this workshop she realized how important rhythms are in her life both those that come naturally like the seasons and holidays and those that she incorporates into her life like work and rest, time with God and time with family.

As for me? Well, I do a good job at keeping Mommy company and she tells me I am a good kitty a lot. I work hard to keep our home free of mice and she is very appreciative. Once in awhile she gives me tuna juice and then I am so happy (meow . . . purr, purr, purr)! 

We hope that you have a Blessed and Healthy New Year!!

My Christmas Memory Tree

My Christmas tree is twinkling in my living room and I love to look at it. A Christmas tree is a memory tree for me. I remember getting up early when I was a young child to plug in my parent's tree and lay on the floor watching the lights blink on and off and the the bubbles in the old bubble lights float to the top. But, what evokes the most memories are the special ornaments on it.

The fan made from a leftover wallpaper border that my parents loving hung in my room. That room and the wallpaper are gone, lost in a house fire, but that little fan reminds me of the room where I grew from a child to a woman.

A lovely rose, lace, and ribbon concoction from a college friend's wedding decorations. Every time I hang it on my tree, I remember this lovely lady.

A small cinnamon hand made by a tiny little girl and given to me for Christmas many years ago.

A tiny handcrafted shadow box, made for me by my mother, holding her favorite collectible - a teddy bear.

A small pewter ornament depicting the nativity - the most important reminder of what Christmas is all about.

A lovely heart, ribbon, lace, and pinecone piece handmade by one of my nieces, many years ago.







As I decorated my tree and now as I walk by it each day, I am reminded of so many loved ones who have given me ornaments over the years - family members, students, friends. I am also reminded of the true meaning of Christmas, of God born in human flesh in a humble manger over two centuries ago. My tree reminds me of love - both human and divine.

Mending Broken Relationships

Early one morning, I was awakened by strange sounds. In my sleep induced stupor, I eventually recognized that my cat Dakota was chasing a mouse. Having complete confidence that Dakota would take care of the situation, I rolled over and went back to sleep.

The next morning there was evidence of a cat and mouse skirmish; however the mouse was not to be found, not in the Christmas tree (yeah!!), not in the basket of laundry. In fact, I found no evidence of a mouse dead or alive anywhere.

I continued on with my morning routine and noticed that Dakota was sitting quietly on the floor, something he rarely does unless it is in a patch of sunshine. He sat there for nearly 45 minutes. I decided it was time to investigate. I looked a little, moved a couple things, and then I saw the little critter. He was wedged between two photo albums . . . quite dead I was sure. I put on a glove so I could dispose of him and pulled out one photo album to reach him better. However, he was not dead. In fact judging by the speed at which he ran toward me and when I screamed the speed at which he shot across the room, he was quite alive.

Things may not always be what they appear to be. As we work to heal and rebuild damaged relationships, this is a good principle to keep in mind. We may not correctly perceive the other person’s point of view. In his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey presented the principle: “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” Solomon warned us that “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13 NIV1984). As we seek to repair broken relationships, remember to humbly approach the other person willing to hear their side of the story, willing to allow our perspectives to be adjusted.

Forgiveness - Repentance - Restoration Part 3

Forgiveness and repentance are choices that you can make as an individual. Nothing is required of another person for you to forgive them or for you to repent of your own wrongdoing. However, restoration is something you cannot do alone. Restoration requires participation of both people in the relationship.

Maybe you have spent years building a relationship. You've laughed with someone, been in their home and they have been in yours, you've cried with them, celebrated and grieved with them. Deep love and trust characterized your relationship. Then something happened - it may have been a small thing that became big or it may have been a big thing, but the relationship was changed, even broken, ended.


How does a person fix a broken relationship?

1. A person cannot fix a broken relationship alone. Relationships are about two people who choose to love and trust one another, who choose to share their life journeys together . . . perhaps for a long time, perhaps only for a season. Both people in the relationship must want to fix what has been broken and both people must be willing to be active in the restoration.

2. Every story has two sides. Each person has a perspective that needs to be heard and understood. Steven Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People advised that people should seek first to understand and then to be understood. Once a person has been heard and understood they are more receptive to hearing the other side of the issue.

3. Repentance and forgiveness must be given and received. When the wrong is owned and forgiveness is given, a foundation is laid to rebuild the relationship. Restoration may not be instantaneous, but rather a process of rebuilding trust, committing to the relationship again, and perhaps even adjusting to a "new normal" (a different, but healthier way of relating).

If you have experienced a broken relationship, one that you have valued and desire to have restored, my prayer for you is that you and the other person will be able to look each other in the eye, hear each others stories, give and receive forgiveness, and experience restoration of what has been lost.

May God bless you with peace on this journey.

Forgiveness - Repentance - Restoration - Part 2

Forgiveness is what Christ calls His followers to when they are wronged. What about when we are the one who has wronged someone else?

Many times our first response when we have wronged another is guilt. We feel a weight, a sense of having failed, a deep inner knowing that we have not been or done who or what we are at our best. We know that we have acted out of the worst in us and that knowledge can be a heavy burden.

How do we commonly respond to this sense of guilt?

1. Sometimes we blame others. The weight of our own failure is too overwhelming, so we seek to blame others, to share the weight of failure or even shift it completely to another. We hope that this will lift the feeling of guilt, but at best it only appeases our guilt for a time.

2. Sometimes we seek to punish ourselves, to lighten the load of guilt by punishing ourselves. By mentally beating up on ourselves, or even sometimes physically harming ourselves we hope that we will pay the debt of our failure and release ourselves from our guilt.

3. We might also do penance to offset our wrongs. We do good things for others, good things that will make a difference in our world to help bring the scales of right and wrong back to a place where the rights outweigh the wrongs.

4. Or, we might anesthetize our guilt through any of a variety of things - food, drugs, alcohol, sex, entertainment - anything that will take the edge off, anything that will give us relief from the pain of knowing we failed, that we hurt someone, that we acted out of the worst in us.

What is Christ's solution to guilt?

The Apostle John wrote: "If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

When we fail, when we act out of the worst in us, we sin. Over and over in His ministry Christ called people to repent and that is still His call today, still His solution to sin, to personal failure. He calls us to recognize our failure, recognize our sin. Rather than wallow in guilt, He asks us to confess our wrong doing, both to Him and to those we have wronged. HE promises to forgive us. HE promises to remove our sin from us as far as the east is from the west. HIS response to our confession is sure and steadfast. HE will always forgive.

The response of those we have wronged is not as sure and it is beyond our control. The best we can do is to do our part, to confess, to go to those we have wronged and tell them what we have done and to apologize and hope for forgiveness . . . but we'll talk more about that in part 3.

Lastly, Jesus asks us to turn away from the behaviors and patterns that brought about our failure, that caused us to hurt others. In the beautiful story of Jesus' encounter with the woman caught in adultery, we often focus on Jesus' response to the woman. Truly His response is powerful when he tells those gathered around her, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." That is part of the story worth focusing on, but it is not the end of the story. Jesus also tells her to, "Go and sin no more." Part of repentance is turning away from the behaviors and patterns that have led us to our sin. God will forgive us regardless, but He knows that it is for OUR GOOD to not only confess and seek forgiveness, but also to see a new way of living.

Stay tuned for part three . . . restoration.

Forgiveness - Repentance - Restoration - Part 1

Harsh words . . . disrespect . . . betrayal . . . a lie . . . hurt feelings . . . broken promises . . . gossip . . . theft . . . abandonment . . . broken boundaries . . . abuse . . . special events forgotten or ignored . . . silence . . . angry outbursts . . . resentment . . . unfulfilled expectations

What do all of these have in common? 

These are things that can hurt our spirit and damage or even destroy our relationships if left untended. Human relationships are fraught with rough spots and difficult times. Forgiveness can bring healing to our spirits and hope to struggling relationships.

What is forgiveness not?

1. Forgiveness is not saying what the other person did is okay.
2. Forgiveness is not forgetting. The human mind is frequently unable to forget.
3. Forgiveness is not giving the other person a pass to treat us the same way again.

What IS forgiveness?

1. Forgiveness is letting go of our right for personal revenge, our right to get even, our right for "payback."
2. Forgiveness is understanding that no matter what someone has done to us, Jesus paid the penalty for that sin, for that wrong doing. Jesus offers the person forgiveness based on what He did on the cross. No matter how high a price we pay for the effect someone else's sin has on us, we will never pay as high a price as Jesus did. God can empower us to forgive, even when we feel it is impossible.
3. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Sometimes it is a difficult choice that we must make over and over until the feelings follow. Forgiveness is a choice we make regardless of the actions of the person who has sinned against us. It does not require repentance from the offender or restoration of the relationship. Forgiveness is a choice we make in our own heart and soul.
4. Forgiveness is choosing how we will live with the consequences of another person's sin. We can choose to live in anger, bitterness, and revenge and with all the damage that does to our soul. Or, we can choose to forgive. We can choose to let go and trust God when He promises that vengeance is His and that He will bring about justice. We can choose to let go and live in love and . . . peace.
5. Forgiveness is freeing ourselves from another person's power to hurt or victimize us over and over, even from a distance, even when they are not longer part of our lives. When we choose to forgive and let go, we free ourselves from another person's power to control, manipulate, or victimize us.

Choosing forgiveness is our first step toward healing and health both for our souls and for our relationships.

Tune in for Part 2, Repentance; and then for Part 3, Restoration.

Metamorphosis

A caterpillar enters the chrysalis and an amazing transformation takes place. A caterpillar enters and a butterfly emerges. Sometimes someone is tempted to speed up the process, to release the butterfly from its chrysalis without allowing it to struggle. When this happens, the butterfly dies. The butterfly needs the struggle to grow strong.

The last four and a half months have been a time of struggle. The central figures in my support system have been stripped away. Chaos, change, and loss have come in wave after wave.

The story of the metamorphosis of the caterpillar to butterfly comforts me. I am reminded that God can bring beauty out of ugliness and pain. I am reminded that sometimes the struggle is crucial to our transformation. As we wrestle to navigate through paths that are unfamiliar and sometimes treacherous, God is at work. He is taking things that the enemy of our soul intends for evil and He is producing good. He is taking what is ugly and destructive and He is transforming it into good. The Lover of our soul is at work to produce fruit, beauty, growth, and strength in the midst of the struggle.

Yet, God does not do this work in a vacuum, He asks for our cooperation. He asks us to obey, to seek Him, to follow His lead. As we surrender ourselves to Him, as we do what He asks of us, as we seek and understand His purposes and cooperate with Him, He transforms us. He changes us not from caterpillars to butterflies, but from humans living in the flesh to His children who are more and more like Christ. Often the good that God is producing is not perfect circumstances, blessings of wealth, or even an easy road, the good that God is producing is the life of the Spirit in us . . . life that is truly life.

And we know that all things work together for good, for those who love God, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:17)