Letting Go - Good, but Not Best

As we start off this new year, there may be things that we need to let go of, things that if we hang on to them will keep us from pursuing the good things ahead.

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In his book, Necessary Endings, Henry Cloud identifies three things that we need to prune from our lives:

1.  Those things that are good, but not best.
2.  Those things that are sick and not getting better.
3.  Those things that are dead.

Here at the beginning of 2014 as we've made resolutions, chosen a word or theme, or set goals for the coming year, let's pause for a moment to think about what might stop us from keeping those resolutions or reaching our goals.

What are activities, habits, relationships, or attitudes that are barriers to moving forward in our lives, that are keeping us tied to the way things have always been? When I was teaching I had a poster hanging in my room that said, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." (author unknown) Growth requires change and change means some things will have to end and others must be different. 

• What activities take up resources (time, energy, or money) that could be better spent on pursuing our dreams?
• What habits keep us stuck in the same rut day after day, month after month, year after year? 
• What relationships drain us of energy or lead us to places or activities that are hurtful to us? 
• What attitudes keep us stuck where we are?

Take a little while to ponder these questions, to pull out a piece of paper or an electronic device where you can write, and jot down the ideas and realizations that come to mind. 

These are the things that may be good, but are likely not the best. These are the things that will keep us from moving forward toward our dreams, goals, and desires. 

Now, comes the more difficult, perhaps even a painful part. What will you do to change? 

How will you change your activities so that your resources are spent on pursuing your new resolutions or dreams? Last summer I participated in a Clutter Buster Challenge and I realized that I spent too much time and energy managing paper. For example, I had a picture file that I had built over 30+ years with pictures to be used for bulletin boards or crafts. I had hundreds of pictures that I had spent time searching through magazines to find. Once found these pictures had to be trimmed and filed. How often did I use this file? Occasionally it had been a valued source for some project, however probably not as valuable as the time and energy I had spent maintaining it. The file was pruned. Hundreds of pictures were thrown away and now only very special pictures are added. It was a good thing, but not the best.

How will you change your habits so that you are no longer stuck in the same rut? 

What will you do to change your attitudes to ones that encourage you to move forward and increase your energy level? 

What will you do about those relationships? This seems like the hardest one of all to me. I value people as gifts from God, created in His image. I know that true relationships take time and energy to build and cannot be easily replaced. Too often relationships are fragile. Yet sometimes people have a negative impact on us. Sometimes people make choices that hurt us and them. What do you do with those relationships that are holding us back, hurting us? What do we do when those relationships are people that it is difficult to avoid like family, coworkers, or members of an organization we are part of and value? 

What things do you need to let go of in 2014 to pursue not merely the good, but the best?

Day 30: 31 Days Wrap-up

Dear Reader Friends,
Thank you for joining me on this 31 Day trek through my personal Pivot Points. I have enjoyed your visits and comments through this journey.

For me this has been an excursion through my past, through experiences, lessons, moments of sorrow, and of joy. Over the course of my life, each of these have changed who I am, each have been a step in the journey of transformation. The exciting thing is that the adventure continues. God persists with great patience and love to sand off my rough edges (though, I must confess, sometimes that hurts) and to shape and mold me into what He desires me to be.

I'd like to close this series with a key element of transformation - a renewed mind (changed thinking) through the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

The beginning each step of transformation in my life, has been a change in thinking. God has brought me to a place where I have changed what I think about God, how I think, my value, my boundaries, authenticity, grief, relationships, and emotions.

1. What I think about God. I have learned to trust that God is good. His moral character is pure, righteous, holy. There is nothing in Him that is evil or bad and He cannot do anything that is evil, bad, or wrong. If He were even a tiny bit evil, He would not be trustworthy. However, I can trust a God who is good, even when I don't understand.

2. What I think about how I think. Lies must be replaced with truth, if I am to be able to steer a correct course. What I believe affects what I feel and how I act. Even a slight error in thinking can lead me off-course. Additionally, perspectives are as varied as the people who hold them, but God's perspective is true and right in the whirling cacophony of public opinion. The thoughts I allow to occupy my mind and the perspective I approach them with are equally important.

3. What I think about my value. I am loved . . . even when I don't FEEL it. I am created in God's image and that gives me and every human being inherent value. Knowing that I am a valuable person helps me to approach others with confidence and also with love. Knowing that I am valuable also empowers me to serve God as He made me and not try to be someone else.

4. What I think about my boundaries. Boundaries are important to defining who I am and to maintaining healthy self care. Good boundaries allow me to engage in healthy, satisfying relationships without losing myself in the process.

5. What I think about authenticity. Authenticity doesn't mean that I have to spill my yuck all over others. It means I guard my heart to keep it pure as "the wellspring of life". If my heart is what it should be, my actions will follow.

6. What I think about grief. Grief comes into all of our lives, it is unavoidable. It is painful . . . hard . . . and difficult! But, there is a path through grief and a path that can lead to hope, health, and fullness of life once more. Finding meaning in life again is possible.

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7. What I think about relationships. Relationships are given by God and they are very important to our well-being. The one thing in all of creation that God declared "not good" was Adam's aloneness. We have been designed to live in relationship, yet many times those relationships become unhealthy and damaging. They don't have to stay that way. We don't have to stay in unhealthy relationships and we can learn how to connect with people in fulfilling and healthy ways.

8. What I think about emotions. Emotions are wonderful - they let us know we are alive. Emotions are confusing and sometimes overwhelming. Emotions tell us what is happening in our inner being. Our emotions can be managed and channeled to help us live more fully, to discern our inner spiritual health, and to connect more fully with God.

Over and over God has changed how I think - through experiences; through conversations with people; through great books; through prayer, Scripture and the Holy Spirit. Each change in my thinking has led to a change in how I approach life. The thinking changed, the feelings changed, and eventually the actions changed.

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In the coming days, I hope to expand on these themes and I invite you to join me in this exciting, ongoing adventure of transformation.

What have been keys to transformation in your life? 

Day 28: Dependent on God and Connected to People

Dependent = unable to exist or function satisfactorily without the aid of another
Connect = to join, link, or unite

First of all, it seems like we hear a lot of terms bounced around - dependence, co-dependence, interdependence, and independence. In our culture independence is valued and dependency is equated with weakness. But what is God's view of this whole thing?

This is my theory. Infants are born totally dependent on their parents, unable to do anything for themselves. As parents (or other significant adults in their lives) our goal is to teach children to live independent lives . . . or so the view of the world goes. I would agree that we are to teach them to live in a way that is not dependent on people, however we need to train them to shift their dependence to God. We are not to live independently, for much of what is part of independence is also at the root of sin. We are to live depending on God and connected to people.

What do I mean by that? We are to live in complete dependence on God. We trust God to meet our needs - emotional, physical, spiritual, relational, intellectual. We trust God and God alone, not our spouse, not a good friend, not our family, not our pets or church or coworkers. God may use each and everyone of those people and that's great, that's good, that's WONDERFUL!! But at the core of who we are, our trust, our dependence must be on God not on those people. If any of those people or things are taken away, we must know that God will continue to meet our needs. God will continue to care for us. That's the dependence part.

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Yet, we are to be CONNECTED to people. God created us to connect and be part of relationships with people. He said it was not good for man to be alone. The Bible is full of relationships and instructions about relationships and how to love others, how to have great relationships with others. Relationships are very important and God made us in such a way that we have the capacity and find great joy and fulfillment in having deep, intimate relationships with other human beings. That is good. Our DEPENDENCE must remain on God. Even in the deepest, most intimate of relationships our dependence must be on God, so that if that relationship is taken away through death or other separation, we are still able to go on, we are still whole people. Hurt, wounded, grieving, yes, but still whole, still healthy, still able to go on.

The difficulty comes when we look at the gift instead of the Gift Giver, when we shift our focus away from God as the Meeter of Needs, to a person or group of people, to money, to position, to anything other than God. This is easy to do because God is intangible to our 5 senses and human beings and possessions are tangible and often readily available. Despite the fact that it is a normal human response and an easy trap to fall into, it is a trap.

God alone will walk beside us through every trial. God alone will endure consistently and faithfully in our lives until death and beyond. Human beings will fall and fail and falter. God will not. God is the only one on whom we can depend.

Yet, God commands us to enter into relationships with human beings. So the answer cannot be to shut ourselves off from people. There is a way to connect deeply with people, even to enter into the one-flesh relationship of marriage and still be dependent only on God.

The solution is two-fold. One half of the solution is our relationship with God, the other half is our relationship with people.

Our relationship with God must be the number one priority in our life. He has to be first. He has to be the first place we run. We have to recognize and acknowledge Him (continually) as the Meeter of our Need and run to Him to do that. We have to put the time and energy into our relationship with Him that's required to keep that relationship strong, healthy, and dynamic. We have to surrender ourselves to Him, let go of our pride, our rights, our desires, our everything and deliberately choose to be DEPENDENT on Him in everything and for everything.

In our relationships with people we need to be what one author calls "differentiated but close". The key to developing this kind of relationship is personal boundaries. When boundaries are vague, a person's individual identity is lost. This is not good. It leads to people living reactively to the other person's emotions. Because one or both people's well-being is influenced by the other's emotions, mechanisms to control the other's emotions develop. The opposite is also true. When boundaries are rigid and communication is severed the relationship becomes distant and cut off.

The "differentiated but close" relationship is the balance in the middle. Each person in the relationship has boundaries, but they are permeable enough to allow for free flowing communication (and that communication exists). They are able to be together without anxiety or emotional entanglement. They have a mutually supportive relationship while maintaining their own identities. They are able to have intimacy without control or dependence. Each person is comfortable with who they are and comfortable with who the other person is (or at least able to accept who the other person is and let them be who they are).

the "differentiated but close" model for relationships is the balance that God desires for relationships, for connections with people, even in the most intimate relationships. Only in that model can people have truly fulfilling, intimate, healthy, and connected relationships with other people. There is no dependence on people, just connection, love, and support. Meanwhile, we choose to DEPEND on God and God alone to meet our needs, while we connect with people.

Day 27: Accept Another's Essence

The pages of my journals and old pieces of correspondence often yield descriptions of my journeys through Pivot Points. Today I'm sharing an excerpt from my journal on February 6, 2004 while working through a study on forgiveness:

Lord, as I look at all these lists [lists of people I needed to forgive and the things I needed to forgive them for] I see character issues, actions flowing out of heart issues. I see things that without Your intervention will not change. I am not looking at single instances, single offenses, I'm looking a patterns of behavior, at character issues. I'm looking at human beings with character flaws. 

How do I forgive character flaws and patterns of behavior? I can understand how to forgive a single instance, a single behavior, but how about character flaws? How do you forgive a person for being who they are?

I think I can't. I think that's not my call to make. I cannot look at someone and say, "I forgive you for being the way you are." Only God has that right. 

I can forgive others for specific offenses against me that flow out of who they are. I can pray for God's work in their life. Above all, I need to accept their essence and love them as they are, where they are. 

God has created each person with a unique, priceless essence, an imprint of Himself and what He desires us to be. That essence is His gift. I need to see past the wounds, past the flaws, past the broken places to the essence of the other person. I need to see the image of God in others, forgive when necessary, and love at all times. And, in the process encourage their essence to grow in strength and beauty.

Day 26: Bubbles and Boundaries

I am myself. I move around in my little bubble. In my little bubble is me . . . my personality, my thoughts, my opinions, my feelings, my memories, my character, my knowledge, my ideas, my talents, my abilities, my skills, my strengths, my weaknesses, all that makes up me.

If I value what is me, if I see what is me as worthwhile, as God-given, as God-designed, as valuable, as worthy of nurture, growth and development, then defining and guarding it so that it can grow and develop becomes important. As my bubble comes into contact with another bubble, then I realize I have something worthwhile to share with them. I recognize that they are wonderful and valuable, so I don't need an agenda to change them or fix them. I recognize and live out of my dependence on God, os I don't have to try to control or manipulate them to meet my needs.

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When I realize I am valuable and my bubble guards what is valuable, and when I realize you are valuable and your bubble guards what is valuable, then . . . 

• I respect your boundaries
• I am free to be who I am
• I am free to connect with you and share with you parts of myself
• I am able to be salt and light because I can allow God to shine through the person He desires me to be.

Sometimes what happens is we live inside our bubble and we don't see who and what we are as valuable and important. We look at other people's bubbles and think how much prettier or bigger they are and we try to get our bubble to look like their bubble. Perhaps we put up barriers so that no one will really know what's inside our bubble. Maybe we create a false bubble in an attempt to look like the other bubbles. Sometimes we try so hard to fit in with all the other bubbles that we lose the self that God intended us to be and the voice God intended us to have.

When I see both my bubble and your bubble as absolutely beautiful, as unique, as having a calling from God that no one else can answer, as having a voice that no one else can duplicate, as being a grain of salt that can add a flavor as no one else can then . . . 

• There is no need for comparison. (We are both equally valuable and amazing.)
• There is no need for competition (or jealousy). (God has separate and specific work for us to do . . . and there's plenty to go around.)
• I can accept you (and myself) exactly as you (we) are and enjoy the wonder of who you are. I can see you as a treasure box, full of wonderful surprises to be discovered. I can leave any fixing, any transforming work to God and God alone.
• I can share your journey and enjoy those times we have together, especially as I depend on God and trust Him to meet my needs. I have no need to control or manipulate you, because there is nothing I am dependent on you to give me.
• I am able to say, "I want you in my life" because I enjoy you and you add so much to my life, rather than say, "I need you" for what you give me.
• When our bubbles come in contact with each other it brings genuine joy and pleasure and needs are genuinely met (not through contrivance or manipulation or control, but out of our love for each other and obedience to God), and the experience is one we want to have over and over again. However if or bubbles become too connected and we lose ourselves - the voice or person God's called us to be is stilled or eclipsed - or we demand the other person meet our needs - instead of allowing need meeting to flow out of love and obedience - or we begin to focus on doing what only God should do (pointing out faults and trying to fix the other person) then it becomes painful to have our bubbles connect and the more pain that's generated the less we want to have the connection, the further away we want to run. 

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In our relationships there are certain things that as a person we have the right to say or to ask. There are also things that by their very nature infringe on another person's bubble and we don't have the right to say or do.

• I always have the right to disagree with you, but I don't have the right to belittle you or put down you or your idea. 
• I always have the right to tell you if you've done something that hurts me, but I can only expect you to take responsibility for the obedience or disobedience of your actions, not for my feelings.
• We have the right to disagree, even to argue but never to use the disagreement to purposely hurt the other.
• I have the right to ask for your help, even the right to ask you to meet my need, but I never have the right to manipulate or try to control you into doing it.
• I have the right to state and enforce my boundaries and I have an obligation/responsibility to respect yours.
• I have the right to express my opinion, to voice my concerns, but never the right to trample on you, to disparage the person God has made you to be.
• I have the right to ask for or, if necessary, to remove myself from relationship to create space and to preserve the bubble that is me. I also have the responsibility to do this in obedience and with love and compassion. 
• I have the right to choose to love you, to choose to be a friend, but never the right to seek to force you to do the same.
• I always have the responsibility to be the person that God has made me to be, to speak what God has asked me to say, to do what God has asked me to do and I have the right to ask that you allow me to do this, and if necessary I have to put whatever boundaries are necessary to create whatever space in the relationship necessary to insure that I am who God has made me to be and I do what God has called me to do. That is my highest priority and ultimately the purpose of my bubble. 

Boundaries are important 

to our emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.

How do you use boundaries to keep yourself healthy?

Day 25: Five Minute Friday and Pivot Point: Together

Late Thursday night each week, women gather on Twitter and at Lisa Jo Baker's site to join together for Five Minute Friday, a time to write without worrying about editing, without preparation, to just write for 5 minutes on the prompt that Lisa Jo leaves on her site at 12:01 a.m. Friday morning. I waited a long time to join this, timid and unsure, then one day I found the courage to try and now I enjoy it week after week.

Nester challenged us back in September to write about one topic for the 31 Days of October and this too took some courage, but I am so glad I tried. Her 31 Days Challenge has been fun (and tiring too!)


So today, Five Minute Friday and Pivot Points meet again on the topic of together.

Ready . . . set . . . write:

On May 8, 2011 I stood by my father as he stepped from earth to heaven. He and my mom had been together for over 65 years. My sisters and I had been together caring for him for the last couple of weeks. Now he was together with his Savior, the One he had longed to see.

Since that time, it has been a difficult adjustment for my mom. Grief and the aging process have made life difficult for her since my father's death. This is another pivot point for me too, a change, a period of transformation as I learn together with my sisters and brother how to care for an aging parent. Sometimes we have a sweet time together. Other times there are frustrations and feelings of uncertainty and not knowing what to do. Some days things are good and fairly easy. Other days are not easy and are, in fact, difficult.

However, we are facing this together as a family. Seeking to care for my mom and to keep her comfortable and safe in her own home as long as we can. Why? Because we love her and we are thankful that through the days of our lives she has been our mom who loved us. Together we face this difficult journey . . . together with each other and together with the God who gives us strength and wisdom.

Stop.

Day 22: Captivating Woman - Part 2

Yesterday, I listed the first five characteristics that my discipleship group and I discovered by surveying men with the question, "Apart from physical appearance, what causes a woman to be captivating to you?" Each man's answer was different and unique, shaped by his own tastes.

The list is a compilation of all their answers and no one woman should seek to be all things on this list. Instead, let us enjoy who we are allow that to draw others to us.





Part 2:

6. True to Herself:
Consistent (not two-faced); unique; not like everyone else; not trying to look and act like all the other girls; comfortable with who she is

7. Enjoys Life:
Sense of humor (not just that she can tell a joke, but that she is comfortable enough to laugh and enjoy the funny things of life); passionate (really believes in something with all her heart); able to play along with jokes; able to joke around; has purpose, a sense of where she's going in life; has a sense of adventure; willing to take risks

8. Good Conversationalist:
Knows when to talk and when not to; listens well; able to speak her mind without being defensive or attacking and without putting others down; not afraid to fight or enter a battle of wits; able to have deep conversations about the stuff of life

9. Good Companion:
Someone who he feels comfortable with; he can be himself and be accepted; someone who's willing to do stuff he enjoys; who's interested in what he enjoys; who's willing to take a walk in the rain and not worry about her hair

10. Loyalty and Faithfulness:
Stand with you through think and thin; NOT A FLIRT; doesn't cheat on you

11. Oneness
The idea of being one not just physically, but emotionally as well; an indefinable link or connection; a sense of oneness; a sense of completion; more than a feeling; whenever you're together there's a sense of being home, of belonging, of completion (this is not planned, not contrived, it's either there or it's not; it just happens)

Since this is a month of Pivot Points in my life, I feel compelled to explain why this list was important.

I talked to men in their teens, 20s, 30s, and 40s, both single and married. I was fascinated and stunned by their answers, because they did not fit into my preconceived ideas of what attracted men to women. I remember one man I talked to said, "Just the fact that you are a woman makes you captivating." Wow!!! For real?

You see, I had enjoyed friendships with men since my teens. I had enjoyed interacting with men, talking with them, being with them. Yet, somehow the romance piece never fell into place for me. That did nothing to affirm my femininity in fact it undermined my confidence as a woman. Talking to these men, hearing what fascinated them, the things that attracted them to women, the things that made a woman captivating, was so affirming. Some of them were captivated by one thing, another by something different. They were not looking for perfect women or airbrushed models, but real women who they found fascinating in their own way. I walked away from these conversations with a deep respect and appreciation for these men and with profound affirmation of my value as a woman.

Day 21: Captivating Woman - Part 1

One spring I led a discipleship group of young women, all high school seniors. We met each Friday afternoon for a couple of hours. Together we studied various topics important to the young women in the group. Along with the subjects we studied, they learned to develop and present a lesson and to plan and teach at a mini-retreat.

One of the topics we studied was what makes a woman captivating to a man. Our assignment was to ask men (young and older) "Apart from physical appearance, what makes a woman captivating to you?" It was one of the most fascinating exercises I have ever participated in.

Based on our interviews we identified eleven characteristics that make a woman captivating. The first five are described today and the remaining six will be described tomorrow:

1.  Confidence
Self-assured, knows what's important and what's not, sense of balance in life stuff, doesn't overreact, emotional strength, independent, not clingy or consistently fearful; pursuing something with passion; out there where others want to be; able to handle the difficulties of life without being thrown by them.

2. Cares about Others
Not loud or self-centered; doesn't attract attention to herself; gentle; cares about what you do but without being a nag or controlling; not high maintenance (particularly financially); has a caregiver attitude

3. Passion for God
Loves God openly and passionately; willing to openly share her faith; loves and serves God above all else; passionately pursuing God

4. Acts Like a Woman/Comfortable with Her Sexuality
Cares about her appearance (but not consumed by it); she acts and looks like a girl, but isn't a girly-girl; she is modest; gentle; not overly competitive; willing to cuddle, to be affectionate, but not clingy, not constantly on him; not a flirt

5. Growing, which Leads to Mystery and Discovery
The idea that there is more to the person than I can see; or the idea that no matter how well I get to know her she still continues to surprise me; you can't know everything about her in a few meetings; there are always new things to discover about her; she's growing as a person; she's growing emotionally, spiritually, intellectually; breaks a man out of his routine; challenges him to pursue an adventure with her

What causes you to be captivated by another person?

Day 19: I Am Loved

On March 27, 2002 I wrote in an e-mail to a friend:

I have been thinking a lot about friendship and love, trying to understand how I define them - not the "correct" biblical or philosophical definitions, but my definitions. How have I defined, perceived, and acted out friendship and love? It's been difficult to answer.

I believe my "love languages" are time and words of encouragement. That is old news. What was new for me was the realization that for all the years of my life, I believed that if I didn't FEEL loved, then I wasn't loved. What made me FEEL loved were actions from my love languages and many people didn't love me that way. I began to ask myself what if I were to believe, really believe and not doubt that people love me, especially when they say they do? What if I base being loved not on whether I FEEL loved, what if I base it on faith and trust? I began to seriously ask myself how my life would be different if I could do this.

So much of my life has been spent trying to earn other people's love, trying to FEEL loved, wanting other people to FEEL loved. What if I start with the belief that the people around me love me if they say they do, or even if they don't say they do outright, but communicate it using some other love language? What if I focus on believing I AM LOVED? What changes?

A few weeks later I wrote in my journal:
For the past 6 weeks or so God has done this incredible work of healing in me.

Now I'm starting with the premise that I am loved. When something happens, I can look at it as an event and then resolve it and move on . . . let it go. For so long, the deep burning question of my soul has been does anyone really love me, can anyone? Events that happened either affirmed love or negated love and everything was tied together to prove or disprove I was loved. Everything was tangled together in an attempt to answer this soul-deep question.

Now, I am saying, "I am loved." It's no longer based on a feeling. It's no longer based on what people do that communicates love in my language. It's based on Truth and on trust.

I'm no longer saying this person made me feel loved, therefore I am loved. I'm no longer looking at specific people and asking in my heart, "Do you love me?" I'm no longer expecting a handful of people to cause me to feel loved.

I am saying . . . no more than that . . . I am BELIEVING that I am loved. I believe God loves me and I believe the people around me - my family and close friends, even others - love me.

I'm no longer asking for proof. I'm no longer expecting human beings to meet my needs. I am accepting, believing, and acting on the fact that I am loved. I am trusting God to meet my every need - emotional, spiritual, social, and physical - through Himself and through whomever He chooses.

It is so freeing!!!!!

Did you always know you were loved or did you have an aha moment too?

Day 18: Five Minute Friday Meets Pivot Points - Laundry

Each Friday at 12:01 a.m. Lisa Jo Baker posts a topic and people write about it for 5 minutes and then link up with others who are also participating in Five Minute Friday. Nester has put out a challenge to write 31 posts on the same topic during the month of October. I enjoy doing both, so although it feels like it's going to be a stretch, lets see how I can combine pivot points and laundry . . .

Ready . . . set . . . write . . .

One of my pivot points was connectedness - developing deep relationships with others. Laundry has been a integral part of my deepest relationships.

As a young person I folded diapers, baby clothes, towels, and other clothes for my sisters when their
children were young. The connectedness of sisterhood.

In college a good friend of mine and I would head off to the laundromat with our dirty clothes and a box of donuts. Now many years later we remain friends. Later when I had access to a washer and dryer and friends of mine did not, they did their laundry at my house. Later still when I didn't have easy access to a washer and dryer another friend blessed me by letting me do my laundry at her house. The connectedness of friendship.

While my father was living his last days and being cared for by my sisters and I and by hospice, my job was to do the laundry. It was one way that I could love him by keeping his sheets and blankets clean and comfortable. The connectedness of the father daughter relationship.

Most recently when my mom's plumbing overflowed and my sister, brother-in-law and I were running around taking care of things, one of my nieces folded my laundry for me. The connectedness of family.

Joining together in the mundane task of doing laundry has been part of some of my closest relationships.

Stop! (whew . . . can't quite believe I did that!)

Day 13: Level of Commitment

"Level of Commitment" . . . I coined this term in the middle of a difficult relationship. This relationship seemed to run hot and cold with unpredictable frequency. At times all was well, great even, with a deeply satisfying connection and truly enjoyable. At other times the relationship bordered on abusive and was very difficult. Yet, unless I made radical changes to my life, I could not avoid relationship with this person. How was I to cope with this constantly fluctuating drama?

At the same time, I was involved in more activities, had more commitments that I could juggle and do well. I was looking for a solution. I came across this idea of "Level of Commitment" and it gave me hope for balance.

The idea behind "Level of Commitment" is to choose a level of commitment that is healthy, safe, and reasonable, either to another person or to involvement in an activity and then stick to it.

With the relationship, I could be a friend, but I could not be a savior, a "dog to kick", or run interference for them. I could be a friend. I could be a friend who loved and expressed compassion, yet who had distinct boundaries in the context of this relationship. I could move away to a safe point, still accessible, but not in the midst of the daily emotional whirl that accompanied this relationship.

In the area of too many commitments, I could choose what I had to offer to each one. In some cases it meant withdrawing from the commitment so I had energy to give to something else I valued more. In other cases it involved modifying my level of involvement such as instead of going to every home game, going to a few each season.

What suggestions would you offer to someone feeling frustrated in a relationship 

or who is overcommitted?

Five Minute Friday: She

She carried me in her womb. She waited while the church bells rang and other mothers gave birth. She waited for me to arrive. She cradled me in her arms and cared for my needs.

She taught me to talk, to walk, to sing, to cook, to sew, to love, to learn, to follow Christ above all else.

She became my best friend. She went on shopping trips, vacations, doctor's visits, trips to college, and to church with me.

She grew older . . . and older. Now she is facing the winter of her life and it is confusing and lonely at times for her. She calls me when she is afraid or lonely or confused. She tires easily so trips to town are shorter and she lets me do her shopping, take her to the doctor, arrange her pills in their green, purple, and yellow cases.

She gives me the privilege of loving her as she has loved me my whole life long.

Books that Influenced How I Live

Books are like good friends who influence us to live better, fuller, richer lives. I enjoy reading. I enjoy hearing the voices of others and I am delighted when those voices have something so valuable to say that it changes how I live. Here are 8 books, other than the Bible (which deserves a post all of its own), that have impacted how I live.

The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence taught me to avoid getting trapped in guilt. Brother Lawrence describes how he deals with sin. He acknowledged his sin to God, accepted God's forgiveness and moved forward in obedience seeking to honor God in all things. Rather than wallow in guilt, trapped and hindered, he accepted and trusted in God's forgiveness and grace and lived in freedom and love. 

A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken tells the story of a young man and woman in love unwilling to consider Christ or Christianity until they meet C.S. Lewis. They come to faith in Christ, yet Sheldon refuses to put Christ before his beloved wife. When she is taken from him, he grieves deeply for her. He showed me how to grieve purposely, how to honor the one lost, grieve the loss, and move forward. 

A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser describes the day tragedy struck his family and left him bereft of his wife, mother, and daughter. He taught me how deeply loss impacts our identity. We derive much of our identity from our relationships and when they are lost we must look deeper into our own soul to discover who we are apart from those we have loved and lost.

Men are Like Waffles – Women are Like Spaghetti – Pam and Bill Farrell's description of the ways men and women think differently changed how I related to men. I learned that things that seemed unbelievable to me were reality (like men can turn off their brains or when they say "I forgot" it's not merely an excuse, but often the truth). I learned to stay on topic more especially in a serious, problem-solving conversations.

Henry Virkler describes how we relate to one another in Speaking Your Mind without Stepping on Toes. Sometimes we manipulate, sometimes we become aggressive, sometimes we become passive, however the best way to relate is assertively. When we approach another person in an assertive manner, we remember that both ourselves and the other person matter. We seek to find solutions that express respect for both people.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People written by well-known author and speaker, Steven Covey, contains a treasure box of life changing ideas: seek first to understand then to be understood, work through difficulties until you find a win-win solution, and prioritize based on what is important rather than what is urgent.

How I Changed My Mind about Women in Leadership by Alan Johnson is an anthology of reputable, conservative Christians who seek to live according to Scripture and who have also come to recognize the freedom that women have in Christ to exercise their gifts.

The Youth Builder by Jim Burns taught me to establish boundaries that protected my ministry and personal life. Ministry is emotionally and spiritually draining which can also impact us physically. Jim Burns recommends, among other things, limiting the number of nights out each week and taking retreats to focus on God and be refreshed. His advice led me to begin having "Solo Days" - a day set apart every three months to seek God and recognize His direction in my life.

What books have influenced how you live? What lessons have you learned from your favorite authors?

Mending Broken Relationships

Early one morning, I was awakened by strange sounds. In my sleep induced stupor, I eventually recognized that my cat Dakota was chasing a mouse. Having complete confidence that Dakota would take care of the situation, I rolled over and went back to sleep.

The next morning there was evidence of a cat and mouse skirmish; however the mouse was not to be found, not in the Christmas tree (yeah!!), not in the basket of laundry. In fact, I found no evidence of a mouse dead or alive anywhere.

I continued on with my morning routine and noticed that Dakota was sitting quietly on the floor, something he rarely does unless it is in a patch of sunshine. He sat there for nearly 45 minutes. I decided it was time to investigate. I looked a little, moved a couple things, and then I saw the little critter. He was wedged between two photo albums . . . quite dead I was sure. I put on a glove so I could dispose of him and pulled out one photo album to reach him better. However, he was not dead. In fact judging by the speed at which he ran toward me and when I screamed the speed at which he shot across the room, he was quite alive.

Things may not always be what they appear to be. As we work to heal and rebuild damaged relationships, this is a good principle to keep in mind. We may not correctly perceive the other person’s point of view. In his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey presented the principle: “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” Solomon warned us that “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13 NIV1984). As we seek to repair broken relationships, remember to humbly approach the other person willing to hear their side of the story, willing to allow our perspectives to be adjusted.

Forgiveness - Repentance - Restoration - Part 2

Forgiveness is what Christ calls His followers to when they are wronged. What about when we are the one who has wronged someone else?

Many times our first response when we have wronged another is guilt. We feel a weight, a sense of having failed, a deep inner knowing that we have not been or done who or what we are at our best. We know that we have acted out of the worst in us and that knowledge can be a heavy burden.

How do we commonly respond to this sense of guilt?

1. Sometimes we blame others. The weight of our own failure is too overwhelming, so we seek to blame others, to share the weight of failure or even shift it completely to another. We hope that this will lift the feeling of guilt, but at best it only appeases our guilt for a time.

2. Sometimes we seek to punish ourselves, to lighten the load of guilt by punishing ourselves. By mentally beating up on ourselves, or even sometimes physically harming ourselves we hope that we will pay the debt of our failure and release ourselves from our guilt.

3. We might also do penance to offset our wrongs. We do good things for others, good things that will make a difference in our world to help bring the scales of right and wrong back to a place where the rights outweigh the wrongs.

4. Or, we might anesthetize our guilt through any of a variety of things - food, drugs, alcohol, sex, entertainment - anything that will take the edge off, anything that will give us relief from the pain of knowing we failed, that we hurt someone, that we acted out of the worst in us.

What is Christ's solution to guilt?

The Apostle John wrote: "If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

When we fail, when we act out of the worst in us, we sin. Over and over in His ministry Christ called people to repent and that is still His call today, still His solution to sin, to personal failure. He calls us to recognize our failure, recognize our sin. Rather than wallow in guilt, He asks us to confess our wrong doing, both to Him and to those we have wronged. HE promises to forgive us. HE promises to remove our sin from us as far as the east is from the west. HIS response to our confession is sure and steadfast. HE will always forgive.

The response of those we have wronged is not as sure and it is beyond our control. The best we can do is to do our part, to confess, to go to those we have wronged and tell them what we have done and to apologize and hope for forgiveness . . . but we'll talk more about that in part 3.

Lastly, Jesus asks us to turn away from the behaviors and patterns that brought about our failure, that caused us to hurt others. In the beautiful story of Jesus' encounter with the woman caught in adultery, we often focus on Jesus' response to the woman. Truly His response is powerful when he tells those gathered around her, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." That is part of the story worth focusing on, but it is not the end of the story. Jesus also tells her to, "Go and sin no more." Part of repentance is turning away from the behaviors and patterns that have led us to our sin. God will forgive us regardless, but He knows that it is for OUR GOOD to not only confess and seek forgiveness, but also to see a new way of living.

Stay tuned for part three . . . restoration.