Forty Days of Forgiveness

Forty Days of Forgiveness

Several years ago after I had been through an experience that left me deeply wounded, changed, and angry. I wanted to be able to let go of my anger and be able to interact with the people who had hurt me in a healthy, loving way. I knew that I needed to forgive and to heal. I committed to spend 40 days working through the issues I was facing.

I picked out a special journal in which to record my journey toward healing and forgiveness and divided it into four sections.

Section one included pages to ponder four different subjects that would help me see life in a healthier way. “Dreams” came first. I had stopped dreaming and I needed to see that the future held hope and promise. “Thanksgiving” came second. Taking time each day to list one thing for which I was thankful, would turn my thoughts away from what I considered to be unfair and painful, and remind me of the blessings God had given me. Because my experience had left me raw and feeling defeated, “compliments or accomplishments” was my third subject. I wanted to keep a list of positive things people had said about me or things that I had done that I felt good about. Lastly, I included “confident because . . . “ and listed reasons I had to feel confident. Here I focused on what the Bible has to say about who we are in Christ.

Section two included pages for each person, including myself, whom I needed to forgive. Each day I wrote the date under each person’s name, the offense for which I wanted to forgive them followed by a positive quality. I allowed myself to forgive the same offense more than once, because often the same issue reappeared time and again. However, I would not use the same positive quality more than once. This stretched my thinking, and helped to remind me that despite how I felt, each person had positive qualities and had been made in the image of God.

Section three contained pages for each day of my 40 day journey. I wrote the day and the number of the day of my journey (ie. January 1, 2006 – Day 1) at the top of the page. I prayed about topics God had led me to at the beginning of my journey. I poured out my heart to God and worked through my issues.

            In the final section, I left space to record things I learned and experienced during my journey. I wrote brief summary statements so that I could remember those things I wanted to incorporate into my life.

            This 40 day journey through prayer and processing brought about deep healing as I forgave myself and others and began to see the bigger picture of what God had for me.

Reconciling What Was with What We Wish Had Been

With the passing of Father's Day last Sunday, I was thinking about my dad. In so many ways he was a good father, but he was not perfect. And, in so many ways I was a good daughter, but I was not perfect either. Sometimes, I remember sweet times together: vacations, quiet times at home, exploring the back roads of America, working in his sawmill or up in the woods, or just the wonderful man that he was. Then at other times old scenes play through my mind, scenes of times I wish I could change.

When he was alive, there were times I had to reconcile what he had done with what I wish he had done, but nowadays, I think about things I said or did that I wish I could change. I remember times that I acted selfishly or said things in anger that I regret. I remember times I was impatient or inconsiderate and I feel sad and grieved.

I cannot go back and change these things. While I can learn from them, and seek to act differently in current relationships, I cannot change what was. In these times I remember an admonition given by a pastor friend to mourners at the funerals he performed. He would tell them that the person who had passed was now beyond all the regrets, failures, imperfections, and hurts of this life. I am comforted by that and have hope in the fact that now my dad can see perfectly and that he understands in a way he could not here on earth.

Still, I feel the grief and sadness of my failures. Then I hear the gentle whisper of God's Spirit to my heart,

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins 

and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9 ESV)

Forgiveness.
Not everyone who reads these words will identify with what I am about to say, in fact, some may have had a very different experience, but I was blessed with a dad who was willing to forgive. I know that if he were here and if I were to go to him and apologize for these failures of mine, he would forgive me. He loved me and nothing I have done would keep him from loving or forgiving me. My challenge now is to live in the truth of his character and his forgiveness.

The same is true of God. He too will forgive me for my failures and when I live in the truth of His forgiveness, I find freedom.

The last person I must forgive is myself. Surely if God and my dad can forgive me, I too can forgive myself.

What Was.
Each of us have our own stories of what was. Some stories may be about our own failures and some stories may be about how the failures of others have impacted us. In either case we cannot change what was, yet what was may have left wounds that need healing, scars that are still raw and tender.

What We Wish Had Been.
Perhaps we wish that things in our past had been different, that our parents had been or acted differently, that our siblings had made different decisions, that we had made different decisions. Bitterness and grudges may hold us captive. Broken relationships may have resulted. Cycles of life that hold us in defeat may plague us. A blog post or a few verses will not heal these things for they are complicated and take time to heal. Still there is HOPE!!! Healing is possible.

Reconciliation . . . Forgiveness.
Healing begins with forgiveness - forgiving others and seeking and accepting forgiveness from others. A few years ago I wrote about forgiveness and reconciliation. If you'd like to look at those posts, click on these links: forgiveness, repentance, and reconciliation. Forgiveness is critical to reconciliation and healing. Although the journey may be long, it is worthwhile and leads to freedom, hope, and abundant life.

Blessings as you seek to reconcile what was with what you wish had been.

Letting Go of Offenses

Recently I have been strategizing how to update my wardrobe a little bit. A common suggestion is to use accessories to add a little spark to your look. I began thinking about accessories and two old offenses came to mind unbidden.

My father's mother died when I was very young and I have no distinct memories of her. When my father's father died, I was given a bracelet that had been my grandmother's. While this bracelet, being made of gold and pearls, did have monetary value, the greater value to me was that it had belonged to my grandmother. While I was in college, we had "College Days" a time for high school students considering our college to come and visit. One day during College Days my roommate and I were expecting to have guests come and stay with us. I came into our room during a free time and found sleeping bags and other luggage in our room. Our guests had arrived. When I came back later, all sign of them was gone and I never did meet them or know what happened to them. A few days later I realized that my grandmother's bracelet was missing, never to be found again. I believed that it had either fallen into our guest's belongings during their brief visit, or that it had deliberately been taken. This made me sad then and now - sad for the loss of the connection to my grandmother, sad that one Christian would do this to another.

While I was at another college, I roomed alone for a semester.  Because I had extra space, I was able to hang my necklaces on a rack where I could grab them easily. Unfortunately others could grab them easily, and sometimes did. One girl in particular liked to enter my room when I was away and "borrow" my necklaces. Unfortunately she borrowed one gold cross necklace that had been given to me by a friend and never returned it.

When these two incidents came to mind, I found myself feeling resentful because of these two injustices. Some one had stolen from me and I had no way to track down either thief, recover my property, or see justice come. Nearly 25 years have passed since these offenses took place, yet still I sometimes have to work through the emotions again the sadness of loss and the anger of injustice.

People offend us. In my case and in the grand scheme of things, these offenses are relatively small. Sometimes the offense is large. How do we respond? We can hang onto offenses, hold grudges, allow resentment, even hatred to grow or we can choose to forgive.

Forgiveness frees us from being bound by hatred, resentment, revenge, and grudges -- all things which can eat away at our souls. Forgiveness is not easy many times, but it is worth it when we value the quality of our souls and the quality of the life we will live. Jesus told many parables and taught several times on forgiveness. The Lover of our Souls knows the value of forgiveness and desires for us to live in freedom and health.

Are there offenses that come to your mind now and again . . . 

or that linger like a perpetual cloud over your life? 

Will you let them go? Will you choose to forgive?

Freedom to FLY

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Chains . . . bars . . . painful memories hold us a prisoner to the past, but we can FLY to Freedom. When the past and it's difficulties hold us captive, there is a way to release the chains, throw open the bars and soar in Freedom.

Forgive. People have hurt us. People have done wrong to us. Things have happened, unforgiveable things have been done. Forgive. Forgiving does not say that what they did was okay, only that we will not seek revenge, only that we will not let it hold us captive any longer.

Let go. The past can wrap us up in bitterness. Let go. Rather than hold a grudge, let it go. Rather than rehearse the bad things done, let it go. Rather than nurse our right to revenge, let it go as an act of forgiveness.

Yield. Yield to the Savior who has paid for the sin of those who've hurt us and for our sin. Yield our well-being to Him and allow Him to bring us into freedom, into a place where there is something new, something beautiful. Yield to the peace and joy and love He longs to give us.

FLY - Forgive - Let Go - Yield

And FLY to Freedom

Five Minute Friday . . . 5 minutes of unfettered writing . . . every Friday morning at 12:01 a.m. with Lisa Jo Baker. 

Day 27: Accept Another's Essence

The pages of my journals and old pieces of correspondence often yield descriptions of my journeys through Pivot Points. Today I'm sharing an excerpt from my journal on February 6, 2004 while working through a study on forgiveness:

Lord, as I look at all these lists [lists of people I needed to forgive and the things I needed to forgive them for] I see character issues, actions flowing out of heart issues. I see things that without Your intervention will not change. I am not looking at single instances, single offenses, I'm looking a patterns of behavior, at character issues. I'm looking at human beings with character flaws. 

How do I forgive character flaws and patterns of behavior? I can understand how to forgive a single instance, a single behavior, but how about character flaws? How do you forgive a person for being who they are?

I think I can't. I think that's not my call to make. I cannot look at someone and say, "I forgive you for being the way you are." Only God has that right. 

I can forgive others for specific offenses against me that flow out of who they are. I can pray for God's work in their life. Above all, I need to accept their essence and love them as they are, where they are. 

God has created each person with a unique, priceless essence, an imprint of Himself and what He desires us to be. That essence is His gift. I need to see past the wounds, past the flaws, past the broken places to the essence of the other person. I need to see the image of God in others, forgive when necessary, and love at all times. And, in the process encourage their essence to grow in strength and beauty.

Day 1: His Eyes

When I saw the pain in his eyes, I repented and prayed to change.

I was in my early teens and waiting at our local public school for my ride to the Christian school I attended in a nearby city. Several of us waited each morning and often our public school friends would come to visit us.

On this particular morning, one of my friends, a young man on whom I'd had a crush since I was 5, had come to visit. I had been peeved with him over a now unremembered offense and had given him the cold shoulder. When he came to me to ask what was wrong, I looked into his big, vivid blue eyes and I saw hurt, deep hurt. His eyes haunted me throughout that day.

That evening alone in my bedroom I realized that I had hurt more than this boy I admired. He was one of God's children and when I hurt one of God's children, I hurt God too.

God . . . my heavenly Father, the Creator of the universe, who had given me the right to call him Papa. Jesus who was beaten, mocked, and crucified because of my sin . . . my sin. I had hurt a brother in Christ, deliberately, out of my own pettiness. Christ had died for this sin . . . even this, what would seem to be, small sin in the grand scheme of sins.

Superimposed over the hurt in this boy's eyes, I saw the hurt in Jesus' eyes when I sin, when I do wrong, when I hurt another person.

My heart broke as I understood the depth of my sin and what my sin had done to the Jesus I love. I begged God to never allow me to hurt Him like that again. I walked in the knowledge of the weight of my sin (big or small) after that. I knew of God's forgiveness, although it would be years before I grasped the wonderful immensity of God's forgiveness, grace, and love toward me that could completely cover every one of my sins.

Books that Influenced How I Live

Books are like good friends who influence us to live better, fuller, richer lives. I enjoy reading. I enjoy hearing the voices of others and I am delighted when those voices have something so valuable to say that it changes how I live. Here are 8 books, other than the Bible (which deserves a post all of its own), that have impacted how I live.

The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence taught me to avoid getting trapped in guilt. Brother Lawrence describes how he deals with sin. He acknowledged his sin to God, accepted God's forgiveness and moved forward in obedience seeking to honor God in all things. Rather than wallow in guilt, trapped and hindered, he accepted and trusted in God's forgiveness and grace and lived in freedom and love. 

A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken tells the story of a young man and woman in love unwilling to consider Christ or Christianity until they meet C.S. Lewis. They come to faith in Christ, yet Sheldon refuses to put Christ before his beloved wife. When she is taken from him, he grieves deeply for her. He showed me how to grieve purposely, how to honor the one lost, grieve the loss, and move forward. 

A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser describes the day tragedy struck his family and left him bereft of his wife, mother, and daughter. He taught me how deeply loss impacts our identity. We derive much of our identity from our relationships and when they are lost we must look deeper into our own soul to discover who we are apart from those we have loved and lost.

Men are Like Waffles – Women are Like Spaghetti – Pam and Bill Farrell's description of the ways men and women think differently changed how I related to men. I learned that things that seemed unbelievable to me were reality (like men can turn off their brains or when they say "I forgot" it's not merely an excuse, but often the truth). I learned to stay on topic more especially in a serious, problem-solving conversations.

Henry Virkler describes how we relate to one another in Speaking Your Mind without Stepping on Toes. Sometimes we manipulate, sometimes we become aggressive, sometimes we become passive, however the best way to relate is assertively. When we approach another person in an assertive manner, we remember that both ourselves and the other person matter. We seek to find solutions that express respect for both people.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People written by well-known author and speaker, Steven Covey, contains a treasure box of life changing ideas: seek first to understand then to be understood, work through difficulties until you find a win-win solution, and prioritize based on what is important rather than what is urgent.

How I Changed My Mind about Women in Leadership by Alan Johnson is an anthology of reputable, conservative Christians who seek to live according to Scripture and who have also come to recognize the freedom that women have in Christ to exercise their gifts.

The Youth Builder by Jim Burns taught me to establish boundaries that protected my ministry and personal life. Ministry is emotionally and spiritually draining which can also impact us physically. Jim Burns recommends, among other things, limiting the number of nights out each week and taking retreats to focus on God and be refreshed. His advice led me to begin having "Solo Days" - a day set apart every three months to seek God and recognize His direction in my life.

What books have influenced how you live? What lessons have you learned from your favorite authors?

Forgiveness - Repentance - Restoration - Part 2

Forgiveness is what Christ calls His followers to when they are wronged. What about when we are the one who has wronged someone else?

Many times our first response when we have wronged another is guilt. We feel a weight, a sense of having failed, a deep inner knowing that we have not been or done who or what we are at our best. We know that we have acted out of the worst in us and that knowledge can be a heavy burden.

How do we commonly respond to this sense of guilt?

1. Sometimes we blame others. The weight of our own failure is too overwhelming, so we seek to blame others, to share the weight of failure or even shift it completely to another. We hope that this will lift the feeling of guilt, but at best it only appeases our guilt for a time.

2. Sometimes we seek to punish ourselves, to lighten the load of guilt by punishing ourselves. By mentally beating up on ourselves, or even sometimes physically harming ourselves we hope that we will pay the debt of our failure and release ourselves from our guilt.

3. We might also do penance to offset our wrongs. We do good things for others, good things that will make a difference in our world to help bring the scales of right and wrong back to a place where the rights outweigh the wrongs.

4. Or, we might anesthetize our guilt through any of a variety of things - food, drugs, alcohol, sex, entertainment - anything that will take the edge off, anything that will give us relief from the pain of knowing we failed, that we hurt someone, that we acted out of the worst in us.

What is Christ's solution to guilt?

The Apostle John wrote: "If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

When we fail, when we act out of the worst in us, we sin. Over and over in His ministry Christ called people to repent and that is still His call today, still His solution to sin, to personal failure. He calls us to recognize our failure, recognize our sin. Rather than wallow in guilt, He asks us to confess our wrong doing, both to Him and to those we have wronged. HE promises to forgive us. HE promises to remove our sin from us as far as the east is from the west. HIS response to our confession is sure and steadfast. HE will always forgive.

The response of those we have wronged is not as sure and it is beyond our control. The best we can do is to do our part, to confess, to go to those we have wronged and tell them what we have done and to apologize and hope for forgiveness . . . but we'll talk more about that in part 3.

Lastly, Jesus asks us to turn away from the behaviors and patterns that brought about our failure, that caused us to hurt others. In the beautiful story of Jesus' encounter with the woman caught in adultery, we often focus on Jesus' response to the woman. Truly His response is powerful when he tells those gathered around her, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." That is part of the story worth focusing on, but it is not the end of the story. Jesus also tells her to, "Go and sin no more." Part of repentance is turning away from the behaviors and patterns that have led us to our sin. God will forgive us regardless, but He knows that it is for OUR GOOD to not only confess and seek forgiveness, but also to see a new way of living.

Stay tuned for part three . . . restoration.

Freedom through Forgiveness

Driving along, singing, enjoying a new day and suddenly there are flashing lights in the rear view mirror. You look down at your speedometer and, yes, it registers several miles over the posted speed limit. You pull over, embarrassed, perturbed, perhaps a little frightened, and knowing deep down that you're guilty.

Guilt can weigh us down, like a heavy load on our backs that we can't shake causing us to feel tired, discouraged, perhaps even disconnected. Sometimes the first (and hardest) person we need to forgive is ourselves. Consider these ideas:

1. Is the guilt is real or false? Genuine guilt is the result of a specific wrong done. If the guilt is genuine, the wrong doing can be confessed and forgiven by ourselves, by God and hopefully by the person we wronged.

2. The Apostle John wrote that God will forgive our sins if we confess them to Him. Since God can forgive our sin, then we may accept that we are forgivable. Forgiveness isn't saying that what we did was okay. Forgiveness is letting go of our personal right to punish. Forgiveness is letting go of the wrong we have done as well as the guilt and self-punishment that go with it.

3. God offers us His grace and cleansing. Jesus died to set people free from sin and guilt. The Apostle Paul wrote, "there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." We can forgive ourselves and receive God's grace and know that we are no longer condemned by God for the wrong that we have done. Jesus took our condemnation, our guilt, and our punishment. Because of Him we can be forgiven and forgive ourselves.

May you know the freedom of forgiveness.